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TMS outline- Jack Gilford!
My sixth TMS outline was completed just moments ago, after months of sweat!
The guest is character actor Jack Gilford, twice Tony-nominated for originating the roles of nervous slave Hysterium in the Sondheim musical "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" and of Herr Schmidt in "Cabaret". He was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1973 for his turn as Jack Lemmon's conscientious business manager who opposes his boss's plans to hire an arsonist to do an insurance fire for them in "Rocky" director John G. Avildsen's penetrating character study "Save the Tiger". His film credits also include the doctor in Mike Nichols' war satire "Catch-22" and Bernie Lefkowitz, the senior citizen reluctant to take advantage of the alien fountain of youth in Ron Howard's "Cocoon". He also made a number of notable TV guest appearances, including playing Judd Hirsch's irresponsible father on "Taxi", a notable two-part episode of "The Golden Girls" in which his and Estelle Getty's characters, both widowed people who, with their spouses, were a group of good friends who go way back, decide to marry each other, and also a recurring role on "Soap". Most baby boomers remember him from Crackerjack commercials in the 1960s.
Little known fact (thanks to TravellingMatt!)- he appeared on an episode of "Sesame Street" as Mr. Hooper's brother!
If you can't picture him, he was a short, loveable, cute and cuddly little old man with curly, fuzzy gray hair, beady brown eyes, a prominent nose, mushy, baggy jowls and a high raspy voice. Here then, submitted for your enjoyment, "It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star Mr. Jack Gilford!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JACK GILFORD
STYLE: SEASON TWO (circa George Burns episode)
COLD OPENING:
SCOOTER: “Jack Gilford! 20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Gilford!”
JACK: “Thank you Scooter. Say, could you give me some help, please?”
PULL BACK to reveal THOG sitting in the dressing room, his right arm around Jack and sucking his thumb with his left hand.
SCOOTER: “Oh, I’m sorry about that! Don’t worry, it’s just till his teddy bear comes out of the laundry. It’s in the dryer now.”
JACK: “Oh. Anything I ought to do in the meantime?”
SCOOTER: “Yeah. Hope that he still wants it back!”
Jack looks at the camera, terrified.
OPENING THEME:
S & W: S: “What suckers for punishment we are!”
Gonzo: a balloon comes out of his trumpet, inflates, and pops
OPENING NUMBER: “Come Go With Me”- sung by four Muppet Doo-Wops
Waldorf: “I’m going to use the restroom. You want me to get you a program on the way back?”
Statler: “Why? We already know what’s going to be on the show tonight-”
S & W: “GARBAGE! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
Backstage: Miss Piggy eavesdrops on Kermit talking to Miss Mousey about their former relationship and her appearance coming up in the show. What she misses is their talk about herself and her other half, Droop.
SONG: “Sentimental Journey”- Jack and Fozzie sing as Canadian Mountees dragging Boppity Frackle to jail
Waldorf: “Boy that Jack Gilford is a great performer.”
Statler: “Oh yes.”
Waldorf: “Seems like a real good sport, a really nice man.”
Statler: “Well he must be nice- he hasn’t run away from this awful show yet!”
S & W: “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
SONG: “Sunday Will Never be the Same”- Janice sings, backed by the Electric Mayhem
Droop enters Statler and Waldorf’s box.
Droop: “Hey, do you guys mind if I sit up here? My gal is in the next act and I don’t wanna miss it.”
Statler and Waldorf exchange glances.
Waldorf: “Better have a word with the janitor. Place is overdue for fumigating.”
Statler: “HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”
Backstage/Kermit's Dressing Room: Piggy puts her ear to Kermit’s dressing room and hears Kermit reminiscing with Miss Mousey about their past relationship, and telling her how talented she is and how she could be a star. This furthers Piggy’s suspicions that her two worst nightmares, losing her starring role on the show and losing her frog, are BOTH coming true.
SKETCH: “Knight in Shining Armor”- Jack, as Sir Gilford, receives word from a peasant woman (Miss Mousey) that he must rescue Maid Piggy from the Purple Dragon. Riding atop his noble steed (the Muppet horse) and armed with the (Muppet) Singing Sword, he must cross the ‘Troll Bridge’ and answer the riddle of the Troll (Gonzo) before reaching the Purple Dragon’s lair. Unfortunately, once he does battle with the dragon, the dragon accidentally throws Miss Piggy over his shoulder instead of dropping her into Jack’s arms (“That wasn’t supposed to go this way!”) and she ends up in bandages courtesy of a roving medic- Dr. Bob! (MP: “Oh, no.”)
UK SPOT: “The Happy Organ”- Dr. Teeth plays the Dave ‘Baby’ Cortez instrumental
Dressing Room: Jack comforts Piggy about her injury. She's very appreciative, that is until Kermit comes in to tell her she’s being replaced by Miss Mousey in the closing number. Cue tantrum.
MUPPET LABS: Head-Massaging Helmet- it goes overactive on Beaker’s temples and starts mashing his head in; unfortunately, they can’t shut it off either
Statler (to Droop): “As long as you’re up here, why don’t you make yourself useful?”
Droop: “How?”
Statler (holds up cane): “Here! Tie this around your waist and I’ll dust mop the floor!”
S & W: “HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”
SWEDISH CHEF: he makes a pizza with everything (repeat: everything)
Backstage: Piggy is determined to reclaim her number. Kermit tries to appease her by telling her that there’s nothing between him and Miss Mousey (although she's not entirely sure she believes him). It’s just that Miss Mousey is ‘next in line’ after Miss Piggy.
Piggy: “Oh, well I guess I can see his point. After all…” (realizes) “NEXT IN LINE?!”
CLOSING NUMBER: “It Had to Be You”- Jack does a duet with Miss Mousey, accompanied by Rowlf and backed by Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Link, Nigel, and Lenny the Lizard. Piggy enters and tries to get rid of Miss Mousey, but Jack convinces her not to. He persuades her that Kermit is still her frog (pointing out Miss Mousey’s boyfriend in S & W’s box), it’s still her show and she’s still the star even if Miss Mousey does the closing number, and suggests that she be the bigger person (“Who are you calling big?” “I meant spiritually.”) She concedes, and Jack, Miss Mousey, and the others finish the number.
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit says good night to Jack, and brings Miss Mousey back out one more time. Kermit was so pleased with her appearance that he’s prepared to offer her a contract.
Piggy: “CONTRACT?! WHY YOU-”
Jack separates Piggy from Kermit and Miss Mousey, as Fozzie and Lenny the Lizard look on.
Droop gets up to leave.
Statler: “Where are you going?”
Droop: “Out to dinner with my girlfriend.”
Waldorf: “You mean the mouse?”
Statler and Waldorf start snickering.
Droop: “At least I have somewhere to go besides here!”
He leaves. Statler and Waldorf look at each other then sink in their seats.
Please let me hear your comments. I'd like to know how this one goes over. Later!
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
Last edited by Gorgon Heap : 06-13-2003 at 11:44 PM.
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