TMS outline- Ed Asner! (by Gorgon Heap & jedix)

I have to give Matt/jedix credit for this as he figured out the perfect guest star for an episode in which Gonzo runs the show, and he came up with nearly half the acts, too, and more bits besides. And we had this conversation only two days ago, and I just sat down to type it out around two or three hours ago.

Ed Asner is best known as Mary Tyler Moore's gruff but benign boss Lou Grant on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and later his own Emmy-winning series, "Lou Grant".

The 'Gonzo runs the show' idea is one I came up with probably 10 years ago at least, and now I've finally written one. So, submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Ed Asner! YAAAAAYYY!!!!!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: ED ASNER

STYLE: MID-SEASON FOUR (circa Linda Lavin, Dudley Moore)

COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.

Scooter: "Ed Asner! Ed Asner! 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Asner!"

Ed: "Thank you, Scooter."

Scooter: "How's everything so far?"

Ed: "Fine, fine. I'm really looking forward to doing this show."

Scooter: "Oh?"

Ed: "Sure. It may be weird and all, but I can handle it without going ape."

(An ape pops up and starts kissing Ed.)

Ed: (to camera) "That's strike one for this show."

OPENING THEME:
S & W: an alligator is in their box

Waldorf: (to the alligator) "Now go down there and take a bite out of this show!" (S & W & alligator laugh.)

GONZO: his trumpet makes the sound of a car starting up, and starts spewing exhaust. Gonzo coughs.

CURTAIN: Kermit announces to the audience that he has good news and bad news: the good news is that Ed Asner is the guest star, the bad news is that Kermit has jury duty and will have to leave someone else in charge for the night. One whoosh sound effect later, Gonzo rushes up to him and begs for the job. Kermit reluctantly agrees, but makes him promise to stick to the schedule. Gonzo promises, and then goes backstage. Kermit calls Scooter over.

Scooter: "Hey chief, is it true you told Gonzo that he's in charge tonight?"

Kermit: "Well, yes that is true, I did tell him that."

Scooter: "Then you're really gonna do it?!"

Kermit: "Well, that's the part that's not true. I want you to keep an eye on him and just make sure he doesn't go nuts."

Scooter: "You wanna narrow that down a bit, boss?"

Kermit: "Uh, make sure he keeps to the running order." (He exits.)

Scooter: "Right, Boss. Well, I guess I'll leave you in the, uh, uh capable hands of your host for the evening, the Great Gon-ZOOOOO!!"

(Gonzo has run in and knocked Scooter over from behind. Scooter falls in the orchestra pit.)

Gonzo: "Uh-oh."

Statler: "Uh-oh is right!"

Gonzo: "Oh, come now! I know what I'm doing!"

Statler: "So do we!"

Waldorf: "That's why we're so worried!" (S & W laugh.)

Gonzo: "Don't worry, we'll still have a great show as always. (to himself) Hmm, although it might not hurt to make it a little greater than usual. Let's see now, we start the show with this Arctic number here... (He looks over the details) Oh boy, does this need work!"

Waldorf: "You tell 'em, kid!" (S & W laugh.)

Gonzo: "All right, all right, that's enough, you two! Excuse me one moment!"

(He goes to the side of the stage and whispers something to someone in the backstage.)

Gonzo: "Okay, now that that's settled, ladies and gentlemen, our new and IMPROVED opening number! WHOOPEE!" (He exits the stage, laughing.)

OPENING NUMBER: "I Saw Her Again Last Night"- the Mamas & the Papas song is performed by the Singing Barbers in an Arctic set with barbershop set piece additions (chairs, sinks, mirrors, barberpoles etc.), as they give haircuts to a mama polar bear and her rambunctious cub, give a shave to a walrus, and give a shoeshine (er, flipper shine) to a penguin. During the intstrumental break, a penguin rocks on bass guitar while a lady Eskimo, getting her hair washed, pulls her head out of the sink to discover a sinkful of water frozen onto her head.

(Cut to S & W's box)

Waldorf: "What did you think of that?"

Statler: "Terrible! They didn't even sing barbershop harmony!"

BACKSTAGE: While Scooter lays out unconscious, Gonzo is furiously revising the show. Piggy questions him.

Piggy: "I thought Kermit said not to change the running order."

Gonzo: "Oh, I'm not changing that much, certainly not the running order! Yeah, I'm just jazzing things up a bit! (to himself) Now let's see here, if I put the cannon in the orchestra pit then I should just be able to get away with having the orangutan do his swan dive..."

(Piggy exits, hastily. Ed Asner enters from his dressing room, clad in a snappy tuxedo.)

Gonzo: (to camera) "Oh! Hey, it's Ed Asner!" (APPLAUSE)

Ed: "Hi, Gonzo! They told me you were running things tonight."

Gonzo: "Oh, that's right, Ed!"

Ed: "Well, good luck."

Gonzo: "Oh, thanks a lot, Ed, but a genius never needs luck!"

Ed: "(Fakes slow laughter) Yeah. Well anyway, I'm ready for my first number."

Gonzo: "Oh, that's great, Ed! But there's been one or two small changes."

Ed: "Oh?"

Gonzo: "Yeah. We've changed the song, and you'll be wearing a different costume. Sweetums! Girls! Get Mr. Asner ready for his first number!"

(Sweetums enters carrying a folding screen and, along with the chickens, does a forced costume change on Ed.)

SONG: "You Are My Sunshine"- Ed sings and dances, dressed as Shirley Temple, complete with a blond curly wig and a large lollipop, in a blue-lit set with candy set piece accents, while the Mutations dance along. He's clearly hating every second of it and is furiously humiliated. As though that's not bad enough, halfway through the number Gonzo enters dressed as Napoleon to interact the Battle of Waterloo (Sweetums is Wellington). When the number ends, amidst erupting cannonballs, Ed let's loose his killer scowl.

(There's a cannon in S & W's box; Waldorf is firing it.)

Statler: "Where'd you get the cannon from?"

Waldorf: "Do you care where I got it from if this show takes a hit?"

Statler: "... Fire when ready!" (S & W laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Ed is angry about how the number turned out, but Gonzo promises him that the next one will be better. Ed goes to his dressing room.

Gonzo: (to himself) "Although in my opinion, there's no topping that last triumph."

(Fozzie enters, ready to do his monologue, but Gonzo asks him to try out one of his (Gonzo's) jokes. Gonzo gives him the joke, but Fozzie doesn't understand.)

Gonzo: "Oh, that's okay."

Fozzie: "Then I can just go do my act, right?"

Gonzo: "No, I'LL do your act! Yeah, if you can go out there and die on stage, I can certainly manage!"

FOZZIE'S, ER, GONZO'S MONOLOGUE: Gonzo goes out in Fozzie's set and tells weird jokes that make no sense. Statler and Waldorf heckle him and throw things at him.

Waldorf: "That guy is the WORST!"

Statler: "He even makes the bear look good!"

(At the sound of the compliment, Fozzie rushes out to accept, and tells a victory joke. Unfortunately it bombs.)

Waldorf: "That guy is the WORST!"

Statler: "He even makes the little blue geek look good!"

AT THE DANCE: All-Chicken Roller Disco

UK SPOT: after an intro from Gonzo, the Swedish Chef sings "My Old Kentucky Home"

Statler: "Now that makes no sense at all. He can't be from Kentucky!"

Waldorf: "Sure he can! Didn't you know? He comes from one of the oldest horse racing families in the state."

Statler: "Oh?"

Waldorf: "Yes, a family of horse racing bakers. At the end of every Kentucky Derby, they're the ones always standing by with the sourdough thoroughbread."

(S & W laugh.)

Statler: "Thorough bread!"

Waldorf: "Bread!"

BACKSTAGE: Scooter is awake, but he's delirious, and he seems to think Gonzo is his father.

SKETCH: Ed and Fozzie play sailors whose ship gets caught in a storm.

The 'storm' turns out to be a singing Sea Monster. The sea monster sings "Right or Wrong", accompanied by singing, ukulele-playing penguins.

It's a bouncy number and it causes him to shake the ship, which is resting on his belly. Ed shouts at him to stop before someone gets hurt, and the sea monster just takes the ship off of his belly.

Ed bangs his head against the wall in frustration, until all he and Fozzie can do is join in the song.

At the end of the song, the sea monster grabs the ship with the intention of eating it, and Ed and Fozzie dive into the drink to the sounds of applause and laughter.

BACKSTAGE: Ed is once again furious at Gonzo.

Ed: (in suppressed anger mode) "When I asked you earlier if the remaining acts would go better, you said YES. Therefore, I was under the impression that they would go as planned. What I didn't expect were more surprises."

Gonzo: (preening) "Touches of genius, weren't they?"

Ed: "I HATE surprises!"

Gonzo: "But Ed, this is ART!"

Ed: "If this is art, then I'm Elvis Presley!"

(Two barbers walk by.)

Barber #1: "Naw, you could never be Elvis."

Barber #2: "He had more hair!" (They laugh. Ed wrings the water out of his sailor cap- right onto the barbers' heads, and then huffs back to his dressing room. Gonzo goes to the stage to make an introduction.)

CURTAIN: Gonzo enters.

Gonzo: "And now, here are the soulful sounds of that great singing food group, Joey Sprout and the Holland Days!"

SONG: "In the Still of the Night"- sung by the Singing Asparaguses in a moonlight set

BACKSTAGE: Gonzo relishes his own genius to Camilla, thinking aloud of the places that his success running this episode of The Muppet Show will get him. He asks Camilla to introduce him- his act is on next.

CURTAIN: Camilla introduces Gonzo, not that anyone can understand what she's saying, er, clucking.

GONZO'S ACT: Gonzo yodels while wearing a suit of armor in an electrical storm. The audience boos him.

BACKSTAGE: Scooter is still delirious, and Gonzo is frazzled over the audience not understanding his artistic improvements to the show. He tries to think of something that'll really knock their socks off, while the Vet's Hospital crew takes Scooter to the stage. Just then, Lewis Kazagger comes up to Gonzo.

Lewis: "Say, when am I going on?"

Gonzo: "Oh, Lewis." (He gets an idea) "Lewis, I've got an idea that'll put The Muppet Show into an entirely new canon! FOLLOW ME! WAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!"

(He runs to the stage.)

VET'S HOSPITAL/MUPPET SPORTS: the crew are working on a spaced-out Scooter, when they're interrupted by Lewis Kazagger and a team of farmhands carrying building equipment.

Lewis: "Hey, where's my intro sequence?"

(They bring it up, complete with music.)

Lewis: "Hi there, sports fans, this is Lewis Kazagger with the WIIIILD world of Muppet Sports. Today finds us venturing into the exciting new sport of Delicatessen Raising!"

Rowlf, Piggy & Janice: "WHAT?!"

Lewis: "First team to build and stock their wall of the delicatessen wins the cup."

(The referee enters.)

Referee: "On your marks, get set-"

(He fires the starting pistol, but he's shot the wire that holds up the overhead light, which falls. The VH crew gets increasingly buried under building materials and deli supplies while Lewis gives a play by play. Piggy starts fighting with the farmhands while Scooter absent-mindedly sings "Indian Love Call".)

Announcer: "And so we come to the end of another Veterinarians'- uh, whatever. Tune in again next week, when you'll hear me, the announcer, tender my resignation."

Statler: "This show may be different, but there's one thing that's still the same."

Waldorf: "What's that?"

Statler: "It's still terrible!" (They laugh, then boo and hiss.)

BACKSTAGE: Gonzo is reveling in his own genius. It's time for the closing number, a Kabuki Theatre piece, but Ed is refusing to go on.

Gonzo: "But please Ed, you've got to go on! If you don't go on, there'll be no closing number! Besides, Kabuki is a respected ancient art form!"

Ed: "And you're sure you're not planning to throw me any curveballs?"

Gonzo: "I promise I won't!"

(A curveball hits Ed square in the forehead.)

Gonzo: "That wasn't me! I didn't throw that!"

(A baseball player runs up.)

Baseball player: "Excuse me. Did you see a round thing pass this way?"

Ed: (holding up the baseball) "Is this it?"

Baseball player: "Yeah!"

(Ed throws it at the player's head and knocks him out.)

Ed: (to Gonzo) "All right, introduce me."

(Ed goes to the stage.)

Gonzo: "Don't worry Ed! It'll be fine! Everything will be great!" (Gonzo consults notes on the desk.) "I hope the Koozebanians remembered to bring their laser pistols."

CURTAIN: Gonzo makes his introduction.

Gonzo: "And now, for our big finale, we proudly present our very special guest star Mr. Ed Asner with the Muppet players in the Kabuki Theater of Death! WHOOPEE!!!!!"

CLOSING NUMBER: Ed, Sweetums, DogLion, Timmy Monster, a Gorilla, and various Whatnots are in ancient Japanese dress and wigs, telling an ancient tale, when they are interrupted by an alien spacecraft filled with raygun wielding Koozebanians!

BACKSTAGE: Kermit enters (having been not selected for the jury) and he can't find anyone. He sees Gonzo, who tells him that Scooter is still buried under 58 lbs. of olive loaf. Kermit and Bo dig out Scooter, who thinks Kermit is his Grandma. Gonzo goes to check on the closing number. Kermit tells Bo to get a bucket of water.

ONSTAGE: Ed, the monsters, whatnots, and the gorilla are fighting the aliens with their Samurai swords.

BACKSTAGE: Bo brings back the bucket and Kermit tells him to throw the water. Bo misses and gets Kermit all wet. Kermit sends him back for more water. He taps Scooter's face to snap him out of it. It works, and Scooter tells Kermit that the entire show has gone unchecked, and he realizes that Gonzo's put an alien gun battle in the closing number. At that moment, Bo comes back with more water, and once more throws it on Kermit by mistake.

ONSTAGE: The aliens are winning, until Crazy Harry starts firing a cannon from the orchestra pit. The fight rages on. Kermit rushes in and apologizes to Ed.

Ed: "Oh, that's all right Kermit, but what do we do now?"

Kermit: "Well, first thing's first: GONZO!"

(Gonzo enters.)

Kermit: "Gonzo, what did I tell you about changing the program?"

(Fozzie enters.)

Fozzie: "Yeah, he replaced me in my own monologue! Talk about a stab in the back!"

(A Samurai sword whooshes over his head. Fozzie runs away screaming.)

Gonzo: (calling after him) "I'm sorry, Fozzie!"

(The VH crew walks through.)

Rowlf: "Yeah, and we were buried under liverwurst!"

(They grumble and exit.)

Gonzo: "I'm sorry, guys! Really!" (He turns to Kermit.) "Oh please Kermit, don't fire me! Beg, grovel, kiss, kiss!"

Kermit: "Gonzo, stop kissing my flipper! All right, all right, I won't fire you. But what are we going to do about this closing number?"

Gonzo: "Well, the fighting seems to have died down, so there's only one way to go out."

Kermit: "How's that?"

Gonzo: "Singing!" (The music swells.)

Kermit: "That may be his first good idea in..."

Ed: "... Ever."

(Ed and company sing "A Farm Down on Indiana Way". At the end, Crazy Harry enters and detonates another explosion.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: "Well gang, it's been a very unusual show, and we're very pleased to end it. But not before we say thank you to our very wonderful and very COURAGEOUS guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Ed Asner! YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!"

(Ed enters, still in his kimono but without the wig.)

Ed: "Thank you Kermit."

Kermit: "Listen Ed, I just want to apologize for everything that Gonzo put you through tonight."

Ed: "Oh that's all right Kermit. You know, in the end I actually think I enjoyed it."

Kermit: "Really?!"

Ed: "Yeah! I mean this is really crazy stuff, but you've gotta admire it. In fact, I've got some ideas for more acts like these! You see, you take a tiger, a water polo team, and a Jamaican polka band, and you-"

Kermit: "Uh, we're a little late folks, but we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"

(Ed tries to tell Kermit about his ideas while Gonzo, Scooter, Camilla, Sweetums- in kimono and wig, Timmy Monster- also in kimono and wig, the Walrus, the male Koozebanian, a Penguin, one of the Barbers, and one of the singing Asparaguses all gather around.)

Statler: "That Gonzo has done something I'll never forgive him for."

Waldorf: "What's that?"

Statler: "He's made me look forward to next week's show!" (They laugh.)


Comments welcome.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Great job David.Glad to see you wrote everything out in detail once again.Always enjoyed Ed Asner & love the fact you had Gonzo take over the show.Gonzo gets the spotlight,whoooopie! Great thanks to Matt/JediX to for his contributions to this fan fic. I thought the cannon in the orchestra pit was a nice touch too.

I liked Ed and the gang fighting off the aliens with swords. That's so weird, yet it's Gonzo's crazy style.

ryan

Good job Dave and Matt. But, shouldn't this be in the Fan Fic section of the forum?
The only thing you left out that would've gone over perfectly was some sort of interaction between Ed Asner and Link Hogthrob, the perfect Muppet embodyment of Ted Baxter to his Lou Grant.
Other than that, it was another great outline.

I was so excited that I forgot to put this in the correct section. I sent a PM to Phil asking him to move it.

Keep them comments rollin'. Rawhide!

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

It's been moved for you Dave.

Some notes (and a bump):

-Think of the main barber being the same Muppet as the fuzzy-haired pink nurse Whatnot in "Coconut" from the Kenny Rogers episode, just with shorter hair (and a male gender, obviously); another barber would be the bald blue Whatnot from "Macho Man" in the Victor Borge episode.
-Matt was the one who suggested the chicken roller disco, singing asparaguses, recasting of the opening #, big lollipop for Ed, and Gonzo as Napoleon; can't remember which of us originated the idea where Gonzo does Fozzie's monologue, but we worked on the idea together

Any favorite parts, mental pictures, oddities?

Coming soon: "The Muppet Show" with special guest star FLIP WILSON!

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

S & W: an alligator is in their box

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The big one or one of the smaller ones?

as they give haircuts to a mama polar bear and her rambunctious cub,

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Did they actually have polar bears on the show? If so, where?

a lady Eskimo, getting her hair washed, pulls her head out of the sink to discover a sinkful of water frozen onto her head.

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Is the lady eskimo a what-not?

halfway through the number Gonzo enters dressed as Napoleon to interact the Battle of Waterloo (Sweetums is Wellington).

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Are there other muppets playing Napoleon's or Wellington's soldiers? If so, who?

AT THE DANCE: All-Chicken Roller Disco

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Another very creative idea.

I suppose all the chickens that tell their jokes just cluck and cluck-laugh. Right?

Are T.R. the Rooster and the Black Rooster there too, since they've appeared on screen with the chickens quite a lot on the show?

UK SPOT: after an intro from Gonzo, the Swedish Chef sings "My Old Kentucky Home"

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That'd be soooooo funnnneeeeeee!!!

And how would the lyrics to the song be written as in mock-Swedish?

The 'storm' turns out to be a singing Sea Monster. The sea monster sings "Right or Wrong", accompanied by singing, ukulele-playing penguins.

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I suppose this sea monster is a new made-up character...unless he came from another source. Right?

SONG: "In the Still of the Night"- sung by the Singing Asparaguses in a moonlight set

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What would the asparaguses look like? Bunches like the one in the Steve Martin episode or would they be individual asparaguses?

And who's the lead singer in the group? The asparagus bunch from the Steve Martin episode...or how about the artichoke from the same episode?

CURTAIN: Camilla introduces Gonzo, not that anyone can understand what she's saying, er, clucking.

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What would Camilla actually be clucking?

I suppose she would cluck something like "And now, our very own Gonzo the Great will yodel a song for you while wearing a suit or armor in an electrical storm. So, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, that master of culture, and the love of my life, Gonzo the Great!" (I can't just imagine her clucking all that now!)

And is the ape/gorilla in the cold opening and closing number Quongo the Wild Mountain Gorilla?

And where does the Male Koozebanian appear?

Philip Kippel said:

The big one or one of the smaller ones?

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The big gator.

Did they actually have polar bears on the show? If so, where?

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No they didn't- new made-up character.

Is the lady eskimo a what-not?

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Yes, as are the barbers.

Are there other muppets playing Napoleon's or Wellington's soldiers? If so, who?

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Napoleon's soldiers are chickens, naturally. Wellington's are some of the small monsters- Boppity, Gloat, and Droop.

Another very creative idea.

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It was Matt's.

I suppose all the chickens that tell their jokes just cluck and cluck-laugh. Right?

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Never really gave it much thought, but yeah, there'd be some of that, and the rest would be sort of funny dancing and roller disco stunts/moves.

Are T.R. the Rooster and the Black Rooster there too, since they've appeared on screen with the chickens quite a lot on the show?

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Sure.

That'd be soooooo funnnneeeeeee!!!

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Thanks.

And how would the lyrics to the song be written as in mock-Swedish?

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Yes.

I suppose this sea monster is a new made-up character...unless he came from another source. Right?

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New made-up character.

What would the asparaguses look like? Bunches like the one in the Steve Martin episode or would they be individual asparaguses?

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Individual asparaguses, new characters all.

And who's the lead singer in the group? The asparagus bunch from the Steve Martin episode...or how about the artichoke from the same episode?

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See above.

What would Camilla actually be clucking?

I suppose she would cluck something like "And now, our very own Gonzo the Great will yodel a song for you while wearing a suit or armor in an electrical storm. So, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, that master of culture, and the love of my life, Gonzo the Great!" (I can't just imagine her clucking all that now!)

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She'd just be clucking- we wouldn't be able to understand what she was saying.

And is the ape/gorilla in the cold opening and closing number Quongo the Wild Mountain Gorilla?

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Yes. I believe he was the show's only ape, save for the gorilla suit from the "Gorilla Detector" Muppet Labs sketch on the Avery Schreiber episode.

And where does the Male Koozebanian appear?

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Closing number- Kabuki theatre/alien laser battle.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Ed Asner fighting with Gonzo? That sounds very believable.

Remember his character Gil Jones from the short lived sitcom "Thunder Alley?" It seems like he's just as grumpy in real life.