TMS outline- Johnny Rivers!

I shouldn't think I'd need to introduce Johnny Rivers to you, but for those of you who don't know, Rivers recorded such songs as "Secret Agent Man", "Poor Side of Town", "Mountain of Love", and covered such songs as "Memphis", "Tracks of my Tears", "Baby I Need Your Lovin'" and "Maybellene".

I also introduced a new (one-shot) character in this one- PIGGY'S MOTHER!

So without further ado, submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Johnny Rivers! YAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JOHNNY RIVERS

STYLE: MID-SEASON THREE (circa Helen Reddy, Cheryl Ladd episodes)

COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.

Scooter: "Johnny Rivers! Johnny Rivers! 30 seconds to curtain, Mr. Rivers!"

Johnny: "Thank you Scooter. Say Scooter, could you come in and explain something?"

(Scooter comes in and Johnny motions to two men digging in the floor.)

Johnny: "What are those two men doing down there? They look like they're digging a canal."

Scooter: "They ARE digging a canal."

Johnny: "Why?"

Scooter: "Well you see, when we found out that Kermit had booked Johnny Rivers, we all thought, well..."

Johnny: "Ah, I get it. Well as you can see, I am not um, a river. So you can tell those guys to stop digging."

Scooter: "Oh, the canal won't go to waste! Yeah, next week we're having the famous Babbling Brook on the show."

Johnny: "Oh?"

Scooter: "Yeah. He would've come this week, but Old Man River passed on, and the brook had to go to the memorial to pay tributary!"

(Johnny turns to the camera, close-up.)

Johnny: "Never fails. Every time I think I've hit rock-bottom, somebody throws me a shovel."

OPENING THEME:
S & W:
Statler: “There’s no way they can keep us here tonight!”

(A net falls on Statler & Waldorf.)

S & W: “Help! Helllp!”

GONZO:
A large trumpet comes down from overhead and cover's Gonzo's head. It blasts, then retracts, leaving Gonzo shaking.

OPENING NUMBER: "I Fought the Law (and the Law Won)"- a penguin sings in his cage at the zoo, accompanied by a chimp, a bear, an alligator, a walrus, and the birds; at the end, they escape and lock the zookeeper in the cage.

Waldorf: "Have you ever been in trouble with the law, Statler?"

Statler: "Yes. I was brought up on a series of severe traffic violations."

Waldorf: "Oh? Did you get off easy?"

Statler: "Are you kidding? The judge sentenced me to do my time HERE!"

(Waldorf laughs.)

BACKSTAGE: the animals return from the stage

Kermit: "Good going animals, nice work."

(Piggy enters.)

Piggy: "Oh Kermit, I just want to thank you for all the spots you've given me on tonight's show."

Kermit: "Well if it keeps you busy, then it keeps me safer."

Piggy: "Nothing can spoil this show tonight!"

(At that moment, there's a knock on the stage door and a loud yell.)

Hortense (V.O.): "Pigathius! Pigathius, are you there? Pigathius Hamabelle Lee, you answer your mother this minute!"

(She busts the door down and storms in. Piggy is distraught.)

Kermit: "You didn't tell me your mother was coming to visit."

Hortense: "That's 'cause she didn't know about it, toad!"

Kermit: "...Uh-huh. So uh, so you're Piggy's mother, huh?"

Hortense: "Stay out of this, slime-face! (to Piggy) I see that baby fat is still-"

Piggy: "Please, Mother! This is Kermit, my employer, also my... special someone."

Hortense: "I've read the gossip rags, child, and frankly it's disgraceful. Eccch! In love with a frog! I never dreamed that I would have to live with something like THIS! You know this place looks better on television?"

Kermit: "Uh well Mrs. uh, Mrs. uh-"

Hortense: "Hortense! My name's Hortense."

Kermit: "Uh, well Hortense, I suppose you're here for a little reunion?"

Hortense: "Hardly. I came into this place to get my daughter out of it. Up on the stage, trying in vain to be a glamour girl- I tell you, that's no life for a pig to lead."

Piggy: "Oh yeah? And what is the life for a pig to lead, Mother? Eating swill? Wallowing in the mud? Getting fattened up and turned into- into-" (she can't say it)

(Piggy squeaks, holding back sobs. Kermit puts his arm around her and she buries her face in his shoulder.)

Hortense: "All right, break it up! Fresh!"

Kermit: "Now, now wait a second-"

Hortense: "I've read the gossip rags, I know how you've been chasing after her with your showbiz ways."

Kermit: "Now wait, those tabloid papers are completely false!"

Hortense: "I should've known. (To Piggy) It's the other way around, isn't it? (To Kermit) She's always been like this, with all her boyfriends I mean. Let's see dear, there was Clyde, there was Billy, there was Danny- he might've married you if you hadn't pushed him away. That's your trouble, you always push men away. You come on too strong. (To Kermit) Isn't that right?"

(Both mother and daughter are glaring at him.)

Kermit: "I- I have to go introduce Johnny Rivers."

SONG: "The Mountain of Love"- Johnny on a mountaintop set with the three chorus girls, some Whatnot Mountain Climbers, and the goat (on harmonica)

Statler: "Wasn't Johnny Rivers born into an all-showbiz family?"

Waldorf: "Well as you know, the rivers come from waters and brooks."

Statler: "Oh?"

Waldorf: "Yeah. Ethel Waters and Mel Brooks!"

Statler: "HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Waldorf: "EH heh heh heh!"

BACKSTAGE: Hortense disagrees with every decision Piggy has made, including and especially her love of Kermit.

Hortense: "Boy, I'm just glad your father isn't here to see this. Imagine, living in a big ugly city, shilling it out night after night in a dingy little theater, and to top it off, in love with an icky REPTILE!"

Kermit: "Uh, amphibian."

Hortense: "Gesundheit."

(Kermit makes his scrunched face.)

Piggy: "Mother, please. We don't want to be rude."

Kermit: "Ha!"

(Kermit realizes that he let that one slip out. Piggy lumbers over to him.)

Piggy: "And WHAT was THAT?"

Kermit: "Um, HAH! HACK! Uh, I've got a, uh, bit of a cough. Uh, stand by for the Hansel & Gretel sketch! Piggy, Link and Big Mama on stage please!"

(Big Mama is heading for the stage.)

Piggy: "Uh, Mother, IF you'll excuse me, I have my first sketch of the evening to do. So we'll just have to postpone this little chat of ours until later... (under her breath) like until the day Gonzo gets elected president."

(She goes onstage. Link arrives and heads for the stage, catching Hortense's eye.)

Hortense: "My! Who is that big hunk of pig?"

Kermit: "Oh that's Link Hogthrob, our resident ham."

Hortense: "One more crack about ham, sonny, and I'll have you dining on a pig knuckle sandwich! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!"

Kermit: "Uh, yes ma'am."

SKETCH: "Hansel & Gretel"- with Piggy & Link in the title roles and Big Mama as the witch, with narration by Scooter; she catches them and puts Link in a big birdcage.

Big Mama: "You are going to cook things for Hansel, nice things to fatten him up. And when he's fattened up enough, I shall eat him!"

Piggy (scared): "And what about ME?"

Big Mama: "Oh you just stay the way you are, you don't need any plumping up."

Link (in cage): "She's got you there." (He laughs silently.)

(Piggy chops the cage, rattling it and shaking Link about.)

Scooter (voice-over): "The big day came and Hansel was fattened up to the witch's liking, but unbeknownst to them, the witch had also taken a fancy to Gretel- preferably on toast."

Big Mama: "Gretel, get in the oven and make sure it is hot enough."

Piggy (aside to audience): "Would anyone really fall for this? SIGH, all right!"

(She tricks the witch into the oven and lets Link out.)

Link (eating): "But I'm not finished with this Bavarian chocolate cake!"

Piggy: "Later, lard-brain, let's move it!"

(They take to the woods and find no trail.)

Piggy: "You were SUPPOSED to leave a trail of bread crumbs for us to follow back home, not eat the whole loaf of bread! Knuckle-brain!"

(When all seems lost, enter Gonzo as Hansel & Gretel's Fairy Godmother.)

Gonzo: "And I'll grant you three wishes!"

Piggy: "Thank goodness! Now we can-"

Link: "Uh, how about a steak, medium rare, a baked potato, and a nice bottle of champagne?"

Gonzo: "Your wish is my command!"

Piggy: "But wait!"

(Gonzo gives Link the food and disappears.)

Link: "Hmm, now that's what I call service. Oh, care for a bite, Gretel?"

Piggy: "Oh yeah? BITE THIS!"

(She chases after him, trying to knock him senseless. Cue sketch end music.)

BACKSTAGE: Hortense is delighted to meet Link. Piggy is doing a quick costume change behind a screen, eavesdropping on the conversation.

Hortense: "It's a delight to meet you, young Mr. Hogthrob! I've been trying to convince my vain, deluded daughter that she should take up with someone more worthy than she actually deserves!"

Kermit: "Hey, now just a-"

Link: "Oh, well thank you, Mrs., uh, Piggy's mother."

Hortense: "Lee, Hortense Baconia Lee."

Link: "Well, pleasure to meet you."

Hortense: "Uh, do you know my daughter socially, Mr. Hogthrob?"

Link: "Oh why yes! We've been out many times together."

Piggy (leaning over the screen): "Liar!"

Hortense: "Oh shush, child. Don't butt in. And STOP EAVESDROPPING! Goodness knows you don't deserve it, but I'm intervening for your betterment, not mine! (to Link) So, I take it you have an interest in my little girl?"

Link: "Little is not what I'd call her."

(He laughs.)

Hortense: "No, I agree. Too many desserts is my guess. (shouts to Piggy) That's what did in your cousin Bertha! Last I heard from her was around Thanksgiving, but after she spent Christmas with the Hamiltons, I never heard another word!"

Piggy: "I don't remember knowing any Hamiltons."

Hortense: "We didn't! Bertha was the main course! (to Link) Young man, you're a fine prospect, a good, strong, stout-hearted swine, and if you ever wanted to take my daughter to wed, why that'd be fine by me."

Piggy: "WHAT?"

Hortense: "Where can a girl use the powder room around here?"

Link: "Uh, just down those steps."

Hortense: "Thanks."

(Hortense exits, and Piggy comes out from behind the screen.)

Link: "Well, how does that strike you, Miss Piggy?"

Piggy: "Kind of like this. HIIIIII-YAH!"

(She exits for the stage.)

SONG: "Maybellene"- Johnny and Piggy outdo each other in their automobiles (against back-projected outside footage)

UK SPOT: "Ain't No Sunshine"- Floyd sings, accompanied by Dr. Teeth, Animal, Zoot and two string musicians (lit background)

BACKSTAGE: Piggy paces back and forth, upset. Kermit is with her; her mother is gone for the moment.

Piggy: "Oh Kermit, I can't stand it. She's driving me up the wall."

Kermit: "I know. It certainly answers a lot of questions about the apple not falling far from the tree."

Piggy: "And YOU! Why have you been so quiet all evening? HUH?! Why don't you speak up? You can see this isn't easy for me- why don't you stand up for a person, huh FROG?"

Kermit: "Well, it's- it's just that your mother is the meanest, coldest, most disagreeable person I've ever met! She makes Lady MacBeth look like a candy striper! She makes you look like Mary Sunshine!"

Piggy: "ME?! Why you little-"

(Scooter enters at the balcony.)

Scooter: "Hey Chief! The set's onstage for your next number."

Kermit: "Whose number?"

Scooter: "Your guys' duet."

(Piggy is distracted.)

Piggy: "Oh boy, I just feel like I'm going to explode, like I'm going to break the next thing I get my hands on!"

(Kermit gulps nervously.)

Kermit: "Uh, uh yes well, uh shouldn't you be getting onstage, Piggy, for your next number! Big part in tonight's show you've got there, wouldn't want to hide your talents, uh, from anybody."

Piggy: "Don't try to weasel out of this, El Toado! Boy, when I get my hands on you, I'm gonna-"

(Kermit stutters, scared.)

Kermit: "Uh, uh SCOOTER! Would you do the intro? Hoo boy!"

SONG: "Son of a Preacher Man"- a very angry Piggy sings with 3 pig back-up singers to Kermit (who is trying to get away from Piggy's manhandling of him.)

MUPPET NEWS: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Carson City, Nevada. Dr. Wilbur Frush of that city was reported missing after testing his latest invention, the anti-gravity belt buckle. Dr. Frush was last seen heading west over Kansas City and was making his way toward the coast. Said his wife Louise "He should be okay so long as his battery holds out"."

(We hear someone yelp. Dr. Frush falls on the Newsman.)

BACKSTAGE: Fozzie and Scooter are putting ice packs on an aching Kermit down while he leans on his desk.

Scooter: "How's that?"

Kermit: "Oh, that's just great, thank you."

Piggy (off screen): "KERMIT!"

Kermit: "ACK!"

(He slips and falls to the floor. Scooter motions for himself and Fozzie to clear out of the way, which they do. Piggy enters.)

Piggy: "Kermit, you have really surprised me tonight. Your cowardice is very unbecoming."

Kermit: "Well, I wouldn't call it cowardice exactly. More like self-preservation."

Piggy: "Admit it, Kermit, you're afraid of my mother."

Kermit: "I notice you haven't stood up to her either. Why not throw her out?"

Piggy: "Why don't YOU have her THROWN out?"

Kermit: "Well why don't you just ask her to leave?"

Piggy: "Well why don't you ORDER her to leave?! YOU'RE the theater manager!"

Kermit: "Well she's YOUR mother!"

Piggy: "Well she's-"

(Hortense slips in behind them.)

Hortense (insinuating): "Uh, are you two 'lovebirds' talking about little old me?"

(They ad-lib various 'no's.)

Hortense (insidiously): "Well that's nice."

(Kermit goes to the intercom.)

Kermit (into intercom): "Veterinarians' Hospital on next!"

(Rowlf and Janice head to the stage.)

Hortense: "Oh, this is one of yours, isn't it, dear? One of your regulars, where you tell bad jokes with that flea-bitten doctor?"

(Rowlf stops to growl and bark at Hortense.)

Piggy: "Um, uh pay no mind to him, Mother. His bark is worse than his bite."

Hortense: "Yeah, well MINE isn't!"

(Piggy goes for the stage, flustered. Kermit pulls her aside.)

Kermit: "Go get 'em, killer."

(He gives her a peck on the cheek.)

Piggy (sincerely): "Thank you, Kermit."

(She exits. Hortense comes up next to Kermit, leans toward the stage, and calls after her.)

Hortense: "Better wash your face after this one, or you'll get warts!"

(Kermit does his scrunched face.)

VET'S HOSPITAL: they operate on the goat

Dr. Bob: "Do you have insurance?"

Goat: "Of course, I'm insured through my employer."

Dr. Bob: "Employer? What do you do for a living?"

Goat: "I take care of three lovely children for a well-to-do family."

Dr. Bob: "Oh, so you're a nanny goat? Heh heh heh! Your x-ray shows that you have tin cans in your stomach!"

Goat: "Yeah well, us goats will eat practically anything. We don't really care how it tastes."

Dr. Bob: "That sounds good to me!"

Janice: "It does?"

Dr. Bob: "Sure! This whole sketch is in bad taste!"

Piggy & Janice: "Oooo..."

BACKSTAGE: Hortense greets Piggy as she comes off-stage.

Hortense: "Well daughter of mine, have you made up your mind?"

Piggy: "Yes Mother. I'm staying here, I'm declaring my love for Kermit, I'm remaining a star, and I'm not going to have anything to do with Link Hogthrob! And that's final!"

Hortense: "Well, I have to admire your determination. There's nothing else to admire about you. Never was, never will be."

Piggy (breaking up): "Mother, don't-"

Hortense: "You're just going to keep messing up your life until the day you die. I just hope your life doesn't end like cousin Bertha's, God rest her soul, although the way you're piling it on, it wouldn't surprise me in the least."

(Kermit rushes over.)

Kermit: "All right, that does it! I've had quite enough of this! Listen Mrs. Lee, Piggy can stand on her own two feet. She's been doing fine on her own and she can hold her head up high, because she's the best! Well, what I mean is, she's a courageous performer, and a wonderful friend, and a warm, sensitive woman, and we hold her in high value around here. Now you can either give her the respect she deserves, and treat her like she deserves to be treated, or you can pack up and go home! We don't need any of your foul spirits around here, and certainly neither does Piggy! Now what's it gonna be?"

Hortense: "WHAT did you say to me?"

Kermit: "You don't scare me, Mrs. Lee. You can go ahead and hit me if you want- (re: Piggy) I've been hit by this one enough to know I can take it."

Hortense: "... I suppose I have been a bit harsh."

Piggy: "A BIT-"

Hortense: "But I know when I'm outnumbered, and I know when I've gone overboard."

Hortense: "Ha! It worked!"

Piggy: "What worked?"

Hortense: "My plan to make your Kermit stand up for you. I'm sorry I couldn't let you in on it, but you'd have spoiled the whole thing. It was a job for an expert, and you're still amateur at these things."

Piggy: "I- I don't believe it!"

Hortense: "Honey, I know I'm disagreeable and aggressive and not nice to anybody-"

Piggy: "But aside from that, I inherited your best qualities."

Hortense: "Those ARE my best qualities- and yes, you did inherit them. But plainly: I knew that I was just the kick in the pants that your frog needed to wise up and ride to your rescue. He's a good man, Pigathius, you hold on to him."

Piggy: "Oh Mother, I can't thank you enough! I only wish there was something I could do for you in return!"

Hortense: "There is, actually."

Piggy: "Oh?"

Hortense: "Sure. Where's that hunk Johnny Rivers?!"

CLOSING NUMBER: "Swayin' to the Music (Slow Dancin')"- Johnny with the Bird Dancers (from the Leo Sayer & Liberace episodes), also various birds (and Kermit & Piggy dancing with each other)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: "By popular demand, we hereby bring this episode of The Muppet Show to an end. But not before we say good night to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Johnny Rivers! YAAAAAYYY!!!!"

(Johnny enters.)

Johnny: "Thank you, Kermit. I've had a swell time."

Kermit: "Oh I'm so glad."

Johnny: "Although I have to say, after how you stepped up to bat tonight, I don't think you'll ever get Miss Piggy out of your hair."

Kermit: "You're probably right, and I don't even have any hair."

Johnny: "I don't know how manage to deal with it, always having someone throwing herself at you."

(Hortense rushes in and sticks to Johnny.)

Hortense: "Oh JOHNNY! You were magnificent! How about you and me hitting the town- and don't you DARE say no to me!"

Kermit: "I think you're about to find out! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"

(Johnny, Kermit, Piggy, Link, Hortense, the Penguin, the Goat, and a Mountain Climber are gathered in front of the curtain.)

Statler: "After every show, I always feel satisfied."

Waldorf: "You feel satisfied coming here every week?"

Statler: "No, I feel satisfied LEAVING here every week!"

(S & W laugh.)


Comments welcome as usual.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Song clip links:

I Fought the Law and the Law Won

Mountain of Love/Maybellene/Swayin’ to the Music (Slow Dancin’)

Ain’t No Sunshine

Son of a Preacher Man

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Great outline! Can you do a second-season style outline guest-starring John Travolta?

Great job David,good detailing.

Great job, David! I especially loved the intro, and the plot line with Piggy's mother was very original and well done.

Good job Dave. The Bobby Fuller Four, Dusty Springfield and Johnny Rivers included in the musical selections, good good job.
However, to quote the frog... I don't know, there's still something missing.
But you do such good work on these, keep it up.

Skeeter Muppet said:

Great job, David! I especially loved the intro, and the plot line with Piggy's mother was very original and well done.

Click to expand...

Thanks! Those were my particular points of pride, as well as the S & W comment in the theme (which I came up with at least a year ago but hadn't had the chance to use until now) and their comment after Johnny's first number, which was a struggle at first but IMO turned out well enough in the end. Imagine, Johnny Rivers being the son of Ethel Waters and Mel Brooks! The world will never be the same (not like it ever was, though).

I do think I spent too much time on the backstage plot and not enough on the bulk of the show, though. That may be what The Count feels is missing, and to be quite honest I kinda feel that way too. Perhaps I should just expand it into a full script, since I've already got ALL of the backstage dialogue written. Probably wouldn't be too hard, at that, just get the lyrics and finish writing the Hansel & Gretel sketch.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

This is one of your bestest. I looooove that back-stage story. Piggy's mother is the greatest!

You must have her in the show again in one of your other outlines. Gee was she funny. Just like Deanna Troi's mother from Star Trek.

Vonderful.

Yep, Dave, you guessed it.
The backstage storyline is a great center though, just maybe a couple of sketches more to help pan out the rest of the outline.
But it's a great backstage storyline.

Gorgon Heap said:

OPENING NUMBER: "I Fought the Law (and the Law Won)"- a penguin sings in his cage at the zoo, accompanied by a chimp, a bear, an alligator, a walrus, and the birds; at the end, they escape and lock the zookeeper in the cage.

Click to expand...

The chimp in this number is Quongo the Wild Mountain Gorilla again. Right?

The bear is Billy the Bear. Right?

Which alligator is here? The big one or one of the smaller ones?

Which birds are in this number?

And I suppose the zookeeper is a what-not man. Right?

UK SPOT: "Ain't No Sunshine"- Floyd sings, accompanied by Dr. Teeth, Animal, Zoot and two string musicians (lit background)

Click to expand...

The two string musicians are what-nots as well. Right?

SONG: "Son of a Preacher Man"- a very angry Piggy sings with 3 pig back-up singers to Kermit (who is trying to get away from Piggy's manhandling of him.)

Click to expand...

Are the 3 pig back-up singers some of the generic what-not pigs...or are they any of the specific pig characters (Link, Strangepork, etc.).

MUPPET NEWS: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Carson City, Nevada. Dr. Wilbur Frush of that city was reported missing after testing his latest invention, the anti-gravity belt buckle. Dr. Frush was last seen heading west over Kansas City and was making his way toward the coast. Said his wife Louise "He should be okay so long as his battery holds out"."

(We hear someone yelp. Dr. Frush falls on the Newsman.)

Click to expand...

Dr. Frush is also a what-not man. Right?

CLOSING NUMBER: "Swayin' to the Music (Slow Dancin')"- Johnny with the Bird Dancers (from the Leo Sayer & Liberace episodes), also various birds (and Kermit & Piggy dancing with each other)

Click to expand...

Which birds are in this number?