TMS outline- Lee Remick!

Didn't think I would ever finish this one, but here it is. Also my first completed fanfic with a female guest star.

Lee Remick was an Oscar-nominee for the alcoholic drama "Days of Wine and Roses" with Jack Lemmon and a Tony-nominee for the drama "Wait Until Dark" with Robert Duvall. Other noted films include "Anatomy of a Murder" with Jimmy Stewart, "The Omen" with Gregory Peck and "Tribute" also with Jack Lemmon. She was also prolific in TV movies such as "The Tempest" and the miniseries "Ike".

In addition, she was a top musical talent, having starred in the original cast of the little-known (and short-lived) Sondheim musical "Anyone Can Whistle", and starred in television versions of the musicals "D-mn Yankees" and "I Do! I Do!" I remember her being particularly impressive in "Follies in Concert", singing selections from the Sondheim musical- and if you know Sondheim, you know that not only do you have to be a great and versatile vocalist to do his music, but also a tremendous actor, and she was definitely BOTH. Sadly, the world lost her to cancer in 1991 at the age of 55.

Here then, submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Miss Lee Remick!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: LEE REMICK

STYLE: EARLY SECOND SEASON (circa Edgar Bergen episode)

COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks on the door, enters.

Scooter: "Lee Remick! 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Remick."

Lee: "Thank you Scooter."

Scooter: "Everything all right?"

Lee: "Actually I'm feeling a little nervous. There are a lot of strange characters around here."

Scooter: "Oh, well we may be a little weird, but you needn't feel nervous. We don't bite."

Lee: "Ah, you see that's exactly the point I wanted to bring up."

Scooter: "What's that?"

(Lee pulls up her unseen hand. Luncheon Counter Monster is on the other end of it, her hand in his mouth.)

Lee: "See what I mean?"

Scooter: "Oh I'm terribly sorry. Hey, you let go of her hand right now!"

(Luncheon Counter Monster lets go, but smacks his lips and considers.)

Scooter: "What do you have to say for yourself?"

LCM: "Definitely the white wine."

OPENING THEME:
S & W: Waldorf: “Quick, this may be our last chance!”
GONZO: water comes out of Gonzo's trumpet

OPENING NUMBER: "In that Warm California Sun"- Scooter with the Electric Mayhem and several beach beauties

Waldorf: "I think there was something absent from that number."

Statler: "I wish it was US!"

S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

BACKSTAGE: Lee tells Kermit she's afraid to work with the monsters because she thinks they're plotting to eat her. Meanwhile, as she speaks, Luncheon Counter Monster is back, standing behind her with two very long slices of bread. Lee is once again distraught.

Kermit: "I'm terribly sorry Lee! Just go get ready for your number, I'll take care of this."

(LCM is over at the door to the left of the stairs, which stands open.)

Kermit: "Hey! Hey listen, whatever you were planning to do with our guest star, I'm putting the kaibosh on it."

(LCM is confused.)

Kermit: "The kaibosh, the kaibosh!"

(LCM ducks into the door and returns with a plate of ghoulash.)

Kermit: "NO, not GHOULASH! (Sighs) Look, whatever you're up to, you'd better put a lid on it."

(LCM ducks into the door and produces a large pot, then puts a lid on it.)

Kermit: "No, no, no! Your plan is finished! It's done!"

(LCM grumbles, confused.)

Kermit: "Done! Done, stick a fork in, it's done!"

(LCM produces a fork and rushes toward the stage.)

Kermit: "No! No! No! STOP! Stop, ho, halt! Now listen, just get outta here. Go take a hike."

(LCM ducks into the door and returns with a hiking staff & backpack and wearing an Alpine mountaineer's hat. Kermit makes his scrunched face.)

SONG: "Anyone Can Whistle"- Lee with Fozzie, Nigel and whistling Muppets

Lee (singing): "Anyone can whistle, that's what they say, easy.
Anyone can whistle, any old day, easy.
It's all so simple:
Relax, let go, let fly!
So someone tell me, why can't I?
I can dance a tango, I can read Greek, easy.
I can slay a dragon any old week, easy!
What's hard is simple,
What's natural comes hard.
Maybe you could show me how to let go,
Lower my guard, learn to be free.
Maybe if you whistle, whistle for me."

Statler: "That Lee Remick is fantastic!"

Waldorf: "A class act!"

Statler: "Beautiful!"

Waldorf: "Think we oughta try and get her away from this place?"

Statler: "Yes, but out wives would never let us keep her!"

(S & W laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Scooter and Kermit are at the desk.

Scooter: "Hey Kermit, what's the closing number of the show?"

Kermit: "Well we've got something really special lined up for tonight: 'Lee Remick and the Muppet Monsters present a medley of the greatest hits of Cole Porter'. Oh I tell you it is going to be a good one."

Scooter: "Boy, you think she'll do it?"

Kermit: "Of course. Why wouldn't she?"

(Scooter shrugs. Lee returns from the stage.)

Kermit: "Oh Miss Remick, that number was just wonderful!"

Lee: "Thank you Kermit, but I think we have another problem."

Kermit: "What's that?"

Lee: "That monster over there, he was in the wings during my song, and when I walked offstage he kept his eyes on me the whole time. Frankly I don't trust him."

Kermit: "Could just be a fan. I'll find out. Scooter!"

Scooter: "Yes chief?"

Kermit: "Scooter, would you go talk to that monster over there and ask him why the staring at Lee?"

Scooter: "Okay boss."

(He goes.)

Kermit: "Good kid, that Scooter. His uncle owns the theater."

Lee: "Is that ever a problem?"

Kermit: "About as much as you'd expect."

(Scooter returns.)

Scooter: "Well I talked to him."

Kermit: "What'd he say?"

Scooter: "Well I couldn't understand all of it, but I think he said he thinks you're quite a dish, Miss Remick, and he'd love to meet you."

(Gorgon Heap rushes over, growling, and dives right for Lee. Lee screams. Gorgon grabs her arm and starts pulling her toward his mouth. Kermit and Scooter try to stop him. Kermit calls for backup and Fozzie and Gonzo enter and, along with Scooter, shove Gorgon away.)

Kermit: "Um, allow me to apologize once again for that unfortunate, um, for that-"

Lee: "Oh, it's all right Kermit, it's not your fault."

Kermit: "Oh thanks. You're very kind. Now about your closing number-"

Lee: "I'm just glad I don't have to work with them."

Kermit (surprised): "How's that again?"

Lee: "I said I'm glad I don't have to work with them, the monsters. They'd swallow me whole before the curtain even went up. Oh, you were saying something about my closing number?"

Kermit: "Uh, well, you see I kind of, sort of, maybe possibly, scheduled a number for you and uh, the uh, the uh, Muppet monsters-"

Lee: "What?! Kermit, I can't do a number with the monsters, not after what's happened! I don't feel safe on this show! I feel like they're all out to get me!"

Kermit: "That's not true Lee. I mean there are a lot of monsters around here who are just nice, gentle, average guys."

Lee: "How about that one?"

(Behemoth (the yellow monster from "I've Got You Under My Skin") enters with a bib and a bottle of ketchup.)

Kermit: "You don't wanna know."

PIGS IN SPACE:

Announcer: "And now, PIGS IN SPAAAAAACE! Starring the tumescent Captain Link Hogthrob- the petulant First Mate Miss Piggy- and the archaic Dr. Julius Strangepork. When we last left the rocket ship Swinetrek, the crew was embroiled in a deadly game... of cards.

Link: "Got any threes?"

Strangepork: "Go fish."

(The intercom buzzes.)

Pig officer (V.O.): "Captain, we're sorry to disturb you, but-"

Link: "Well then don't disturb me." (He switches the intercom off. They buzz him again.)

Pig officer (V.O.: "Captain, we're having engine trouble up here!"

Link: "Uh, I'll send in Dr. Strangepork. You don't mind, do you Doctor?"

Strangepork: "Oh, of course not, Link. I'll be back in a jiffy. Just don't try to peek at my cards."

Link: "Oh! Why I'd never dream of it." (Strangepork exits. Link tries to look at his cards but Piggy stops him.)

Piggy: "Hey! He told you not to look at his cards!"

Link: "Uh, uh, I'm not- looking at his cards. I'm... trying to find my, uh, uh, a cookie I dropped!" (He ducks under the control panel.) "Hmm, nothing under here."

(He ducks back down. Piggy shakes her head, until she feels something brush her leg.)

Piggy: "Whoo! Hey! Wa-ha! Watch it, bonehead, or I'll give ya an unscheduled snout job."

Link: "Nothing under there either."

Piggy: "Oh brother."

(Strangepork re-enters.)

Strangepork: "Well it was nothing serious, just a minor adjustment needed to be made."

Link: "Good. Now let's get back to our game here."

(The control panel starts beeping.)

Link: "Now what does that mean?"

Strangepork: "It means there's an object about to collide with the ship!"

Link: "Well tell it to come back later! I was about to win!"

Strangepork: "You were not!"

Link: "Oh yes I was, Doc."

Strangepork: "Well how do you know that unless you looked at my cards?"

(They continue to bicker as Piggy tries to get their attention.)

Piggy: "Hey! Hey guys! Shouldn't the object about to hit the ship be a more important concern than some stupid card game?"

Intercom Computerized Voice: "Warning. Meteor approaching Swinetrek. Please shift path of spacecraft to avoid collision."

Piggy (looking at panel): "This says it's coming straight at us! Hey! Hey, lard brains! Oh, that does it!"

(She takes the controls and steers the Swinetrek away. The meteor still catches the edge of the ship and bounces off.)

Piggy: "There. Now we're safe."

Link: "I still say I'm winning, and I did not look at your cards!"

Strangepork: "That's what you say!"

Piggy: "HEY WILL YOU GIVE IT A REST?!"

Link: "She's right you know."

Strangepork: "Let's just get on with the game."

Link: "Right!"

(Piggy hears a struggle outside the cabin door. She turns around. The door opens, revealing a horde of alien invaders.)

Piggy: "Hey! Hey, we're being invaded!"

Strangepork: "Any fives?"

Link: "Go fish."

Piggy: "Hey! Hey, are you listening?"

Alien: "Earth pigs, we demand a sacrifice!"

(He comes up beside Piggy.)

Alien: "How about this one? She will make a great Thanksgiving feast, with plenty leftover for sandwiches!"

Piggy: "SANDWICHES?! WHY YOU-"

Link: "Uh, go on you two, have a good time."

Alien: "Thank you, captain pig. Let's move out."

Piggy: "Hey, what do you think you're- HEY, take your hands off me! LET GO! Hey! HELP! HELP! HELP!" (She continues calling for help.)

Link: "Hmm, it's much too noisy to play cards in here. Wanna take the game to the Captain's Study?"

Strangepork: "You still have that bottle of birch beer?"

Link: "Why yes I do!"

Strangepork: "Then let's go!"

Announcer: "Tune in next week, and see us atone for this week's PIGS IN SPAAAAAACE!"

AT THE DANCE- age jokes

Old man: "They say there's nothing good about aging. They say the mind goes. Well I can tell you, there's one thing that is undeniably good about getting older!"

Old woman: "What's that?"

Old man (pauses): "I forgot."

(Another couple)

Man: "You know what really bothers me? People these days just refuse to accept their age. I mean you've got senior citizens and middle-aged men and women trying to look like teenagers! Vanity! Personally I'm of the firm belief that people ought to age gracefully."

(Two old men in tutus pass by, dancing the ballet.)

Man: "On the other hand..."

(Cut to S & W)

Statler: "Now that was really offensive!"

Waldorf: "What was?"

Statler: "What was what?"

Waldorf: "What was what?!"

Statler: "WHAT?"

(They do double takes at each other.)

UK SPOT: "When Father Papered the Parlor"- Gonzo sings, accompanied by creatures and aliens, one of whom is madly throwing wallpaper all over the room.

DRESSING ROOM: Lee tells Kermit she still suspects a plot- her lotion has been switched with hollandaise. An irate Swedish Chef enters with the lotion and angrily takes back the hollandaise.

Kermit: "I guess it was just a mix-up."

Lee: "Yeah, I guess. Boy, he seemed pretty upset."

Kermit: "I think that's because he just served somebody an order of asparagus with moisturizer."

MUPPET LABS: Edible light bulbs

Bunsen: "They come in both 40 and 60 Watt, as well as ranch and barbecue!"

(Unfortunately, while they're delicious, they also cause Beaker's fingers to spark and his eyes to light up.)

Waldorf: "Well, what did you think of THAT?"

Statler: "Astounding!"

Waldorf: "Does that mean you liked it?"

Statler: "No."

(S & W laugh.)

MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.

Newsman: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Jacksonville, Florida. Mr. Buddy Boomer of that city is trying to break the world's record for longest distance traveled by an alligator suspended from a balloon. That's the dumbest thing I've ever-"

(We hear snarling. The alligator lands on the Newsman.)

BACKSTAGE: Kermit looks weary. Sweetums enters.

Sweetums: "Kermit, are you feeling all right?"

Kermit: "Oh Sweetums. No, no I'm not. Lee doesn't want to do the closing number with you guys."

Sweetums: "WHAT?! But why?!"

Kermit: "Well, all the other monsters have been trying to eat her. I just don't understand it."

Sweetums: "I do. All goes back to the days of the dragons. They loved to eat beautiful young maidens, and monsters are like that too."

Kermit: "Yeah, well it doesn't help that we have a beautiful young guest star! You know those guys, is there anything we can do to stop them?"

Sweetums: "Well, you could offer them someone else."

Kermit: "Sweetums, that's a terrible thing to suggest! I'm not going to just trade one of my cast members to those guys! I won't have it! And besides, who would you even suggest?"

(Piggy enters, angry.)

Piggy: "Kermit, that Pigs in Space sketch was the last straw! It was the absolute pits! I mean, I'm an actress of award-caliber! If you ever put me in one of those dumb sketches again, I'll break both your arms!" (She exits.)

Sweetums: "How about, uh-"

Kermit: "-Don't tempt me."

SWEDISH CHEF: 'cheeries yoobilee' (Cherries Jubilee); the Chef makes cherries jubilee, even going so far as playing a noisemaker and swoopfoomer and throwing confetti. When he goes to light it- with a flamethrower- things look grim, but the recipe ignites without a problem. Then it explodes.

BACKSTAGE: Lee is ready for her closing number. The big monsters who are doing the number with her took the liberty of sending the ones planning to eat her to an all-you-can-eat food establishment, with instructions to bill Kermit. They head for the stage.

Kermit: "Maybe I was better off before."

CLOSING NUMBER: ‘Cole Porter medley’- Lee sings and dances with the big monsters: "Friendship" with all the big monsters; "You're the Top" with Sweetums; "I'm in Love with a Soldier Boy" with the Mutations; "Tom, Dick or Harry" with Tom, Dick & Harry, the three-headed monster; “Easy to Love” with Thog; and "Anything Goes" with all the monsters

Lee: "And don't anyone try to start a verse of "I've Got You Under My Skin"!"

CURTAIN:

Lee: “Thank you Kermit. I’ve had a wonderful time. I love all of you so much, especially this guy here (pulls in Thog). He’s so cute and cuddly, I just want to take him home with me!”

Kermit: “Yeah, well he eats 50 lbs. of French pastries every day... for breakfast!"

Lee: "Oh. Well..."

Kermit: "Yeah, I thought you'd say that, Lee. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”

(Lee, Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Gonzo and Thog gather around.)

Waldorf: "It's always a pleasure to be here for the best part of the show."

Statler: "What's that?"

Waldorf: "When it ends."

(S & W laugh.)


Comments welcome.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Great outline. How about a MT outline with Nathan Lane?

Lee Remick is one of my fav. actresses,good job David;loved Pigs in Space & the closing number.I have an idea for a fan fic.

I agree with Diana; Pigs In Space was great! Also, great use of Scooter and LCM. And edible light bulbs- superb! One thing I didn't get, though: the "white wine" reference. If you could explain that, I'd appreciate it.

Princeton said:

I agree with Diana; Pigs In Space was great! Also, great use of Scooter and LCM. And edible light bulbs- superb! One thing I didn't get, though: the "white wine" reference. If you could explain that, I'd appreciate it.

Click to expand...

Believe it or not, I had trouble coming up with an idea for "Pigs in Space", and then when I did, I just rattled off the whole sketch- no revisions, that was in one try.

Certain wines go with certain meats- red wines with beef, white wine with chicken or fish, etc. LCM was tasting Lee and then deciding on which wine to serve her with.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Hey, Gorgon, how about doing a Mother Goose edition of a TMS outline featuring Jennifer Hale (1965-). Hale has done the voices of Jessie Bannon of "The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest", Sam of "Totally Spies", and Felicia Hardy of "Spider-Man: The Animated Series".

Here's how the episode goes:

Style: Late Season 5 (circa Buddy Rich)

Entrance: Jennifer, Pops, and Miss Kitty (the purple monster of The Muppet Show's Juliet Prowse episode)
Gonzo at the Beginning of the Show: Horn flies from Gonzo's hands and mouth (same as the Cleo Laine episode)

Opening Number: Featherstone as Mother Goose; Song: "That's Mother Goose" (tune of "I'm Falling")
Sketch: Zoot as Little Boy Blue
Sketch: Gonzo and Jennifer as Jack and Jill
Song: Humpty Dumpty sings "These Are The Yolks" (a recycled sketch)
U.K. Spot: Fozzie, Zoot, Gonzo, Scooter, and others do a medley of songs about "Happy"
Sketch: Scooter as Hector Protector
Sketch: King Rupert stars in Old King Cole
Final Number: Jennifer stars in "Mary Had a Little Lamb"; Waldorf, Statler, & Swedish Chef try to do "Rub-A-Dub-Dub"; Jennifer, Kermit, and others do a closing number.
Goodnights: Jennifer, Kermit, Bo Peep (Mary Louise), sheep, Humpty, Boppity, Luncheon Counter Monster, Shakey Sanchez, "Take a Chance" Bird, Fozzie, Zoot, Gonzo, Scooter, King Rupert, and Featherstone.

SpiesFan, you sound like you've got this whole thing planned out. Why not have a go at it a la carte? I'll be a resource if you like.

Oh, and folks, here are some links to clips of songs used in this outline:

"California Sun"- The Rivieras

Anyone Can Whistle- Lee Remick (Original Broadway Cast Recording)

And the lyrics for the UK Spot (couldn't find a clip):

"When Father Papered the Parlour"
( R.P. Weston)

Our parlor wanted papering, and Pa says it was waste
To call a paperhanger in, and so he made some paste.
He bought some rolls of paper, got a ladder and a brush
And with my mummy's nightgown on, at it he made a rush.

CHO: When Father papered the parlour

You couldn't see him for paste

Dabbing it here! dabbing it there!

Paste and paper everywhere

Mother was stuck to the ceiling

The children stuck to the floor

I never knew a blooming family So 'stuck up' before.

The pattern was 'blue roses' with its leaves red, white, and brown;
He'd stuck it wrong way up and now, we all walk upside down.
And when he trimm'd the edging off the paper with the shears,
The cat got underneath it, and dad cut off both its ears.

CHORUS
Soon dad fell down the stairs and dropp'd his paperhanger's can
On little Henrietta sitting there with her young man,
The paste stuck them together, as we thought t'would be for life,
We had to fetch the parson in to make them man and wife.

CHORUS

We're never going to move away from that house any more
For Father's gone and stuck the chairs and table to the floor,
We can't find our piano, though it's broad and rather tall,
We think that it's behind the paper Pa stuck on the wall.

CHORUS

Now, Father's sticking in the pub, through treading in the paste,
And all the family's so upset, they've all gone pasty faced.
While Pa says, now that Ma has spread the news from north to south,
He wishes he had dropped a blob of paste in Mother's mouth.

CHORUS

written and composed by R.P. Weston (1878-1936) and F.J. Barnes (copyright by F
rancis, Day &
Hunter, Ltd.) (from "Music Hall Song Book, by Peter Gammond, 1975)


David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Updated:

Style: Late Season 5 (circa Buddy Rich)

Entrance: Jennifer, Pops, and Miss Kitty (the purple monster of The Muppet Show's Juliet Prowse episode)
Gonzo at the Beginning of the Show: Horn flies from Gonzo's hands and mouth (same as the Cleo Laine episode)

Opening Number: Featherstone as Mother Goose; Song: "That's Mother Goose" (tune of "I'm Falling")
Backstage: Fozzie: "Can I go next?", Kermit: "Who are you?", Fozzie: "I'm Old MacDonald.", Kermit: "Wait a second! There's no Old MacDonald in Mother Goose."
Sketch: Zoot as Little Boy Blue
Backstage: Scooter brings Gonzo and Jennifer in a Jack & Jill sketch.
Sketch: Gonzo and Jennifer as Jack and Jill
Song: Humpty Dumpty sings "These Are The Yolks" (a recycled sketch)
U.K. Spot: Fozzie, Zoot, Gonzo, Scooter, and others do a medley of songs about "Happy"
Sketch: Scooter as Hector Protector
Sketch: King Rupert stars in Old King Cole
Final Number: Jennifer stars in "Mary Had a Little Lamb" with Sam the Eagle as her teacher; Waldorf, Statler, & Swedish Chef try to do "Rub-A-Dub-Dub"; Jennifer, Kermit, Fozzie, and others do a closing number with "The Farmer & The Dell".
Goodnights: Jennifer, Kermit, Bo Peep (Mary Louise), sheep, cow, Humpty, Boppity, Luncheon Counter Monster, Shakey Sanchez, "Take a Chance" Bird, Fozzie, Zoot, Gonzo, Scooter, King Rupert, and Featherstone.

David, you already know I'm a huge Pigs In Space fan, and that sketch of your's was awesome!

I hope you keep archives of this stuff at your home, too!

Great work!

Gorgon Heap said:

SONG: "Anyone Can Whistle"- Lee with Fozzie, Nigel and whistling Muppets

Click to expand...

Which muppets appear in this number with Lee besides Fozzie and Nigel?

UK SPOT: "When Father Papered the Parlor"- Gonzo sings, accompanied by creatures and aliens, one of whom is madly throwing wallpaper all over the room.

Click to expand...

Which aliens and creatures appear in this number? And which one is throwing the wallpaper?

BACKSTAGE: Lee is ready for her closing number. The big monsters who are doing the number with her took the liberty of sending the ones planning to eat her to an all-you-can-eat food establishment, with instructions to bill Kermit.

Click to expand...

Which monsters were planning to eat Lee besides Luncheon Counter, Gorgon Heap and Behemoth?

CLOSING NUMBER: ‘Cole Porter medley’- Lee sings and dances with the big monsters: "Friendship" with all the big monsters; "You're the Top" with Sweetums; "I'm in Love with a Soldier Boy" with the Mutations; "Tom, Dick or Harry" with Tom, Dick & Harry, the three-headed monster; “Easy to Love” with Thog; and "Anything Goes" with all the monsters

Click to expand...

Do any other monsters appear in this number?

Also, which specific aliens appear in "Pigs in Space" and which specific muppets appear in "At the Dance"?