TMS outline- Jerry Orbach!

In honor of his passing on Dec. 28th at the age of 69, here is this fan fiction tribute. Glad it only took 3 days to write.

Most of you know Jerry Orbach from TV's "Law & Order", but he was also one of the foremost men of American musical theatre. He was the original El Gallo in the off-Broadway production of "The Fantasticks" (originating the song "Try to Remember"), the original Billy Flynn in "Chicago" on Broadway (originating the song "Razzle Dazzle", among others), a Tony-winner for "Promises, Promises" (and a nominee for "Chicago" and the revival of "Guys and Dolls"), and the original Julian Marsh in the Broadway version of "42nd Street" (from which his performance of "The Lullaby of Broadway" can be found on the DVD "Broadway's Lost Treasures"). Oh, and he was also the voice of Lumiere the candlestick in Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" (originating the song "Be Our Guest").

So then:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Jerry Orbach! YAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JERRY ORBACH

STYLE: SEASON FIVE

COLD OPENING: Pops is practicing singing and playing a song on the ukulele. The door opens. Jerry Orbach enters.

Pops: "Oh, who're you?"

Jerry: "I'm Jerry Orbach. Kermit asked me to be the guest star tonight."

Pops: "Jerry Orbach! The big Broadway musical comedy star! Boy are you in for an evening you'll never forget!"

Jerry (to camera): "I know. I just hope it'll be an evening I survive!"

OPENING THEME: feathers come out of Gonzo’s trumpet

OPENING NUMBER: "Medley: Before the Parade Passes By/Seventy-Six Trombones/A Bushel and a Peck/Camelot/The Sound of Music/Bali Ha'i/The Surrey with the Fringe on Top/If I Were a Rich Man/People"

Robin leads off with "Before the Parade Passes By", but is interrupted by the passing of a parade, led by Fozzie (in appropriate costume, as are all who enter from this point in) singing "Seventy-Six Trombones".

Fozzie's performance is interrupted by Annie Sue's rendition of "A Bushel and a Peck", accompanied by the male pigs in gangster outfits.

Annie Sue is then interrupted herself by Gonzo's full-clad rendition of "Camelot", complete with chicken chorus. (Gonzo: "I don't know about your bushels, but we've got plenty of pecks here!")

Gonzo is summarily interrupted by Piggy's over-the-top performance of "The Sound of Music".

Enter Wayne & Wanda with "Bali Ha'i", and also enter penguins as island natives.

Enter the Swedish Chef, at the reins of a full-fledged horse-drawn coach and singing "The Surrey with the Fringe on Top".

Next enter Beaker singing (or meeping, rather) "If I Were a Rich Man".

By this point everyone is arguing, no one is singing anymore. Kermit rushes in and tries to restore order, but no one can agree on what song to sing. Cue Bo, standing just outside the wings, maiming Barbra Streisand's classic "People". To save face, and their own ears, and the number, the rest of the Muppets join in and finish the number.

(Cut to Statler & Waldorf's box)

Waldorf: "Today is a very sad milestone."

Statler: "Oh, really?"

Waldorf: "Yep. It'll rank up there with the death of vaudeville."

Statler: "What will?"

Waldorf: "The night the Muppets killed Broadway."

(Statler & Waldorf laugh weakly.)

BACKSTAGE: the cast from the previous number enters and passes Kermit at his desk.

Kermit: "Nice going, guys. Good number."

Fozzie: "Do you REALLY think so?"

Kermit: "Uh Fozzie, don't make me answer that."
(into intercom)
"Next on stage, the cello-playing walrus! Cello-playing walrus on stage, please!"

(The Walrus crosses to the stage.)

Kermit: "Come on, Oliver, hurry up! Move it!"

(The Walrus goes to the stage. Lew Zealand enters and comes up to Kermit.)

Lew: "Excuse me, Mr. The Frog, but have you seen my minnow bucket lying around anyplace?"

Kermit: "Uh, no Lew, I'm sure I haven't."

Lew: "Well you let me know when it turns up. Wendell's been practicing his Triple Lutz for tonight! Hehe!"

(Lew leaves, Kermit shakes his head. Jerry comes out of his dressing room into the backstage area.)

Kermit (noticing): "Oh look- it's Jerry Orbach!" (APPLAUSE)

(Jerry comes down the stairs.)

Jerry: "Hi Kermit! How's the show going?"

Kermit: "Uh, well the theater is still standing, the audience hasn't run away, I'm not on my last nerve- I'd say so far, so good."

Jerry: "That's great."

Kermit: "You ready for your first number?"

Jerry: "I sure am, and I've just gotta say, Kermit, you have a beautiful theater here."

Kermit: "Oh you don't have to say it. You'll still get paid if you don't."

(Jerry laughs.)

Jerry: "No, no I mean it sincerely. This place reminds me of some of the theaters I started out in."

(We hear shouting. The Walrus runs in with Lew's minnow bucket; Lew chases after him, yelling.)

Lew: "Hey! You come back with that bucket, you fat, big-toothed seal! Those fish have STAR QUALITY! More than you'll ever know! Hey!"

(Kermit turns to Jerry.)

Kermit: "How so?"

Jerry: "Oh, it's just the atmosphere I guess. Even the most ordinary theater is just as chaotic as this one."

(A fish flies past Jerry's head. The Walrus runs in the reverse direction, still with Lew's minnow bucket and with Lew still chasing him.)

Lew: "Hey! Don't you try to run away from me!"
(To Jerry)
"Oh, sorry about that, Mr. Orbach. Mortimer has bad aim."

(Lew runs off again.)

Kermit: "You were saying?"

Jerry: "I, uh, I take it back."

SONG: "All I Care About"- Jerry sings with a group of Muppet showgirls

At the end, one particularly amorous chorus girl smashes through the wall- BIG MAMA!

Jerry: "I'm outta here!"

(Big Mama chases him around the set. Cut to S & W's box.)

Waldorf: "That Jerry Orbach is brilliant."

Statler: "Tremendous!"

Waldorf: "What do you think of the showgirls?"

Statler: "I'll take the girls, just not the show!"

(They laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Kermit is at his desk. Jerry rushes in.

Kermit: "Oh Jerry that was wonderful."

Jerry: "Thanks very much, Kermit. I enjoyed that too."

Big Mama (offstage): "Where is that handsome swooner crooner?!"

Jerry: "-Except for one thing. Gotta go."

(He runs away. Big Mama enters.)

Big Mama: "Come back! Hey, we'll make beautiful music together!"

(She runs after him. Kermit looks worried. Scooter enters.)

Scooter: "Hey boss- the Swedish Chef says he's got something new in mind for tonight?"

Kermit: "Making something edible?"

Scooter: "No- I mean, yes. I mean, he's got some friends coming by. There's an international cooking convention in town. I guess he invited some of his chef brethren from other countries."

Kermit: "I see."

Scooter: "Yeah. For his sake though, I only hope that old adage isn't true."

Kermit: "Which adage is that?"

Scooter: "That too many cooks spoil the broth."

Kermit: "Not to worry. In the Swedish Chef's case, the other cooks are too late to spoil anything."

THE SWEDISH CHEF: the Swedish Chef cooks with some international chef friends- French Chef Henri Marcel (Jerry) tries to make frog's legs (Kermit's) but Kermit nips that in the bud (with Fozzie and Bo shoving Henri off the stage).

Next is acclaimed British Chef Lord Sidney Piffle (Jerry again), who tries to make steak & kidney pudding. Unfortunately, they have no kidney on hand, but the Swedish Chef's x-ray machine proves that Sidney himself has two good kidneys and can spare one!

After Sidney runs away from the Swedish Chef, the Swedish Chef is joined by an Italian Chef, Luigi Paisano (Jerry once again). Unfortunately, he's just as volatile and insane as the Swedish Chef!

(Cut to S & W's box.)

Statler: "With friends like him-"

Waldorf: "Who needs emesis?"

(They laugh.)

VET'S HOSPITAL: a showgirl is the patient; Dr. Bob tries to get a date with her

UK SPOT: "The Lullaby of Broadway"- the Electric Mayhem plays a rocking version of the age-old tune (Animal: "GOOOOOOD-NIIIIIGHT BAAAAAAA-BYYYYY!!!" etc.)

(Cut to S & W's box.)

Statler: "Now how could anyone call that a lullaby?! Could you imagine anyone being put to sleep by that, Waldorf?"

(Waldorf is asleep.)

Statler: "Not surprising. He also slept through World War I. HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

SONG: "I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise"- Jerry sings on the magnificent staircase (the top steps of which Bo is still finishing). Showgirls surround the staircase.

At the end of the number, Jerry holds the top note, but as the orchestra closes, he falls off the backside of the (unfinished) top step. He clambers back onto the stairs for a last wave at the audience, then faints and falls back down.

(Audience shot)

BACKSTAGE: Jerry enters, looking a mite disheveled.

Kermit: "Jerry! Are you all right?"

Jerry: "Fine, Kermit. Just fine."

Kermit: "You still going to be able to do your closing number?"

Jerry: "I think so. I just need to lie down for a few minutes.

(Beaker, still dressed as Tevye, leads Fozzie's marching band in "Hava Nagila", and they all run right over Jerry. A legitimate bandleader chases after them.)

Bandleader: "Hey! Come back with my marching band!"

Kermit: "Mr. Orbach! Are you okay?! I'm-I'm terribly sorry about all that. I don't know where they came from. Are you feeling okay? Anything damaged?"

Jerry (getting up, woozy): "Just my judgment."

Kermit: "Your judgment?"

Jerry: "Yeah, but clearly that was damaged when I agreed to do this show."

(He faints.)

PIGS IN SPACE: attack of the all-singing, all-dancing aliens from the Planet Choreography!

Link: "Not- the Planet CHOREOGRAPHY! ANYPLACE but the Planet Choreography!"

Strangepork: "I know, I know!"

Link: "What's the Planet Choreography?"

(The aliens perform from the works of Cole Porter, Gershwin, Kern et al- and the biggest one closes with "I've Got You Under My Skin", attempting to re-create another famous "Muppet Show" moment! He chases the pigs all over the set as the sketch fades out.)

BACKSTAGE: Jerry is stretched out on a cot, with Rowlf (in his Dr. Bob scrubs) keeping vigil over him and Nurse Janice fanning his forehead. Kermit looks on, nervous.

Piggy (off-stage): "KERMIT! HELP!"

(She runs offstage with Link & Strangepork, knocking over Rowlf and almost knocking over Jerry's cot.)

Kermit: "Hey watch it you guys! Don't knock over the guest star!"

(The big hungry alien enters, still chasing the pigs.)

Piggy: "Kermit, aren't you going to do anything?!"

Kermit (not noticing): "I will! Dr. Bob, what'll it take to revive him?"

Rowlf: "I don't know. Someone bring a glass of water."

Kermit: "SCOOTER! A GLASS OF WATER FOR MR. ORBACH!"

Rowlf: "It's not for him, it's for me. These cases always make me thirsty."

(Scooter enters with the water.)

Scooter: "Here you go!"

Kermit: "This is supposed to help?"

(The pigs run back the other way and knock Scooter over. He spills the water on Jerry's face. Scooter stands up and is immediately knocked down by the big hungry alien.)

Jerry (waking up): "Where am I?"

Kermit: "Jerry! You're back with us. Don't worry, I'm going to cancel your closing number."

Jerry: "Cancel? CANCEL?!"

Kermit: "Well, but-but, uh, you-you you've had a bad fall there."

Jerry: "So what?"

(He leaps to his feet.)

Jerry: "The show must go on!"

Kermit: "Wow! You mean to say you'd still do your big closing number after all that's happened to you tonight? I mean getting chased around by a monster and almost hit by a fish and falling off a staircase and being trampled by a fully orchestrated marching band?"

Jerry: "And HOW! Besides, when you subtract all that stuff, it's really been rather a fun evening."

Kermit: "OH THIS IS GREAT! You go change, I'll go introduce you."

(They both exit. Rowlf and Scooter watch, disbelieving.)

Scooter: "So how does this compare with a usual day at the office?"

Rowlf: "Scooter, around here there's no such thing as a usual ANYTHING!"

CLOSING NUMBER: "New York, New York"- Jerry sings and dances in a terrific Busby Berkeley-style cityscape, complete with Muppet cabbies, newspaper vendors, fruit stand vendors, tenants leaning out of windows, dancing rats, and the three Mutations (tux-clad)

Closing Set (Cityscape): Kermit enters.

Kermit: "Well we could go on all night, but I think we'll give you a reprieve by ending this episode of The Muppet Show. But not before we thank our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic JERRY ORBACH! YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!"

(Jerry enters.)

Kermit: "Hey Jerry, let me apologize again for everything that's gone on tonight. I know you really took a beating-"

Jerry: "Oh that's all right Kermit. Don't worry about it, I still had a great time."

Kermit: "Oh good! So would you like to come back next week?"

Jerry: "Oh I would, but I'm on my vacation next week. It'll be a lot more restful, relaxing, and much safer."

Kermit: "Oh? Uh, what will you be doing on this vacation?"

Jerry: "Alligator wrestling."

Kermit: "I should've expected that. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"

Jerry, Kermit, Piggy, Scooter, Bo, the Swedish Chef, Rizzo, Robin, a showgirl, and the three Mutations gather around (while the cab driver makes a pass in the foreground).

Waldorf: "What do you suppose possesses these guest stars to be on this show, anyway?"

Statler: "Well, they only have to do it once- they're getting off with a lighter sentence than us!"

(They laugh.)


David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Good one Dave. The intro at the beginning helped explain who the guest was. Rully liked the bit where Lew showed up, and the closing number was brilliant.
Keep 'em coming.

The Count said:

Good one Dave.

Click to expand...

You mean great one!

Another great fan-fic Dave,I laughed the whole way through<wiping away the tears of joy>.

Yeah. Excellent (and pleanty of little old Beauregard!)

Really good. Such wonderfull crazyness.

Thanks for all the comments.

A few notes:

-Think of this one as taking place late in the season, circa the Debbie Harry & Gene Kelly episodes
-Imagine Louise Gold voicing Big Mama
-In the goodnights, imagine Rizzo in a tux, top hat and tails
-In "I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise", imagine a set similar to the one for that song in "An American in Paris"
-In the opening number, imagine everyone wearing appropriate costumes (excluding Bo- wouldn't want to see him dressed as Streisand, Fanny Brice, or any other woman! But yeah, Beaker is dressed as Tevye and the Swedish Chef is in a cowboy outfit.)
-For anyone who didn't get it (and I wouldn't have either before I wrote it), 'emesis' means throwing up (I literally went for the dictionary to find a word to replace 'enemies' in the line, and that one worked best IMO; 2nd choice was 'endives', but that's often pronounced 'ahn-deeves' and anyway 'emesis' resembles the word 'enemies' more closely in terms of sounds, syllables, and syllabic stress)

I jotted down a note to myself a while back about doing a Jerry Orbach outline, but didn't really think about sitting down to do it until after he died. I watched my "Broadway's Lost Treasures" DVD, specifically his performance of "The Lullaby of Broadway" from "42nd Street" therein, and started brainstorming ideas for the episode while shoveling snow on Thursday. I wanted to finish it quickly as it was a tribute for a man who died very recently. Worked on it Thursday & Friday, had all the acts by then, was out of town over the weekend and came back and finished it on Sunday night. Three days, I think that's a new personal record.

Any favorite scenes, lines, moments? Does the dialogue sound like dialogue that could've been from the original show? All the jokes make sense?

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

*Patting Gorgon Heap on the back ala Ernie and Bert from Ep.2.
Don't worry buddy, you did fine. The bits I liked best were the ones with Lew cause he got to expand his repertoir, and the closing number was simply brilliant as I stated before. Guess I was impressed with how you just made that cityscape scenery come alive as what a crowded New York city would normally be like. And I guess it might've sparked some sort of TMTM memories too.

Some links to him singing:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...13/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/104-1888351-3653503

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...13/sr=2-2/ref=pd_ka_b_2_2/104-1888351-3653503

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...13/sr=2-3/ref=pd_ka_b_2_3/104-1888351-3653503
(the song "All I Care About" is from "Chicago"; he also originated "Razzle Dazzle" which Joel Grey did on TMS)

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Just a little constructive criticism

Dave, I think you're a genius and you normally do a good job, but I was a little disapointed with this-a one. Two reasons:

1. I think the opening number should be just one song; I love medleys, but this one was a little busy.

2. I don't think that you should do repeats of songs from actual TMS eps.

Other than that, it was an o.k. petunia!

Princeton said:

Dave, I think you're a genius and you normally do a good job, but I was a little disapointed with this-a one. Two reasons:

1. I think the opening number should be just one song; I love medleys, but this one was a little busy.

2. I don't think that you should do repeats of songs from actual TMS eps.

Other than that, it was an o.k. petunia!

Click to expand...

I grant you that the medley was busy, but as far as repeating songs, they did that a lot on the show itself:

-"Inchworm": closing number in both the Charles Aznavour and Danny Kaye episodes
-"You Do Something to Me": Wayne & Wanda on the Paul Williams episode, little girl and wicked magician in the Peter Ustinov episode
-"Bein' Green": featured in episodes with Peters Ustinov and Sellers
-"Everything's Comin' Up Roses": closed Pearl Bailey and Liza Minnelli episodes
-"Temptation": closing # on Juliet Prowse episode, opening # on James Coburn episode
-"Close to You"- sung by Connie Stevens, Kermit and Fozzie in episode #2, sung by a Whatnot in the James Coburn episode (anyone else think they did that deliberately b/c James Coburn's episode was the 100th to tape?)

And there are more besides.

Aside from that, what did you think of the dialogue?

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole