Lefty in Love - a Romance

[Winslow Leach]

To quote Pacino in The Godfather III: "just when I think I'm out...they pull me back in!"

Seems I can't keep Lefty out of my fics. See, a few months back, I lost a bet with the salesman...and since I don't have any spare nickels on hand, I told him I'd write him into as many fics as possible, until my debt was paid. Well, I guess he wasn't satisfied with "Sweeney Lefty" or "Da Poil," because he wants me to put him in a third story...and he demanded that I write him in a goilfriend...er, girlfriend. No...I didn't think he was the romantic type either. But hey...this is fiction, lol! So, without further to do (another Pacino quote), I give you the first chapter of "Lefty in Love."

Let the throwing of rotten fruits and veggies begin...

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty is down at the docks, chatting with No-Finger Sam (anything Muppet with--you guessed it--no fingers), one of his acquaintances.

Lefty: So what's yer haul?

No-Finger (emptying pockets) Gotta watch...necklace...and a grilled cheese sandwich.

Lefty: You moron! Ya coulda lifted da toaster!

No-Finger: Sue me. I was hungry. And since dere wasn't anyone aroun', I made meself lunch.

Lefty (looking at the watch and necklace) Dis stuff is cheap! I wouldn't sell it ta my own mudder!

No-Finger: Your mother's dead.

Lefty: I still wouldn't sell it ta 'er! Dis is da best you could do ? !

No-Finger: You try carryin' a TV or stereo with no fingers, see how far you get!

Lefty: 'Ey, how did ya lose yer fingers anyway?

No-Finger: How many times do I hafta go trew dis wit ya? You know how I lost 'em!

Lefty: I know, but it amuses me everytime youse tell me...like whatcha call a bedtime story!

No-Finger (sighs, bored) I went fishin' wit my old man when I was a kid, and I was attacked by an octopus. After about five minutes of wrestling in the water with the beast, my old man finally noticed I was missin' from da boat. He sees me thrashin' around in da water, an' tells me ta stop foolin' around...den he sees da octopus, and manages ta pull me outta da water before I could be devoured. But by dat point, what was left of me fingers were stumps, and some cheap sawbones ended up amputatin' 'em. Okay? Happy?

Lefty: Hehehehehehehehe! I never get tired of dat story, Stumpy! Giant squid, hehehehehehehe!

No-Finger: It was an octopus, ignoramous! And you wouldn't last thirty seconds! You'd be chum before you opened your mouth to scream!

Lefty: Feh! I kin beat any octopus wit one arm tied behind my back!

No-Finger pulls a rope that's just hanging in the air for no apparent reason. A GIANT, LIFE-SIZED RUBBER OCTOPUS falls on top of Lefty. Both octopus and Lefty fall to the ground; Lefty screeches, trying to fight off the "raging" beast...he kinda looks like Bela Lugosi working the arms of the fake octopus in Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster," only Bela was simulating being strangled, while Lefty is just an idiot, trying to escape its grasp. No-Finger stands by, chortling as Lefty "fights" for his life.

[AnimatedC9000]

Lefty, you idiot! XP

Seriously, the octopus made me laugh. lefty "fighting" the octopus made me laugh. Is there anything that can't make me laugh?

~ AnimatedC

[WhiteRabbit]

ROFL!

Tony, thish...OWNS! Seriously! Nobody writes Lefty better than you do (don't make any excuses, boy) and I can't wait fo' mo'! <33

[Winslow Leach]

Thanks, Cait and Ailie! I appreciate your comments!:) I'm glad you thought this first bit was funny...I think this one is heading into similar, surreal territory, where anything can happen because...well, because it can!:D

I vill update more zoon!;)

[Winslow Leach]

No-Finger leans against a beat-up, discarded boat, beside himself with laughter.

Ernie tentatively approaches, and tapes No-Finger on the shoulder. No-Finger immediately spins around, brandishing a knife in his stubs.

Ernie: Um...excuse me, mister...is this the docks?

No-Finger: Naw, kid. Dis is the magical fairyland where we's make all da dreams of da world come true!

A drunken sailor staggers out of a saloon, swigging from a bottle; he lets out an enormous belch from the bottom of his stomach, and walks straight into a pole.

Sailor (doffing his cap) Pardon me *hic* ma'am...

The sailor walks off, still chugging.

Ernie: Who's that?

No-Finger: Da sprite of mirth and merriment.

Ernie: What was he drinking?

No-Finger: Mirth and merriment.

Ernie: Huh.

No-Finger: Now whaddaya want? !

Ernie (trembling) I--I was told to go down to the docks by a salesman wearing a trenchcoat and fedora...

From every conceivable opening (windows, doors, portholes, even the ancient boat No-Finger is leaning against) pop the heads of many shady characters, all fitting Ernie's description; Ernie is oblivious.

Ernie: ...had pale green skin...even had his own theme music following him around...

The other salesmen grumble in disgust, and disappear as quickly as they had come.

When Lefty hears his description, he suddenly bolts upright with superhuman, Popeye-like strength. He hurls the giant rubber octopus, as if it weighed nothing, at No-Finger, and sidles up to Ernie.

No-Finger is hit with the mighty force of the octopus; the poor fellow never saw it coming.

[The Count]

Huh? Whasa matta with youz you wiseguy? Yous can't leave it like that. Now post wha happa with Ernie and Lefty before I sends ma boy Danny NoArms on ya.

[Winslow Leach]

Aye, 'tis merely a morsel of merry Lefty mirth...but don't worry. Dat crum-bum will be sellin' Ernie some useless junk in no time...

[The Count]

S'okay... Just hope it doesn't get sos bad that I have to have Drake Tungsten pay yus a visit too.

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty puts his arm around Ernie, and speaks to him confidentially.

Lefty: Youse find da place okay?

Ernie: Well, I kinda misunderstood what you meant by the docks. I went to about 27 doctor's offices, all giving them your description. You should have seen their faces! Kheeekheekhee!

Lefty: Er...great story...now lookit what I got fer youse 'ere...(Lefty reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out...nothing) Ain't it a beaut?

Ernie: What is it?

Lefty: What is it? Kid, don't tell me youse are unedu-macated! Dis is only da newest ting in technology...da invisible watch!

Ernie: The invisible watch?

Lefty: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Riiiiiiiiiight!

Ernie: But I can't see it!

Lefty: Dat's 'cause it's invisible!

Ernie: Oooooh! I understand now!

Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Ernie: Gee, mister, I always wanted an invisible watch. How much do you want for it?

Lefty: Well normally dis little beauty sells fer $159.95, plus tax. But since I like youse, I'm gonna cut youse a fancy-schmancy deal. You kin have dis amazin', one-of-a-kind invisible watch fer da unbelievable price of just one nickel!

Ernie: A nickel ? !

Lefty: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ernie (sotto voce) A nickel?

Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Ernie: Oh boy! Won't my buddy Bert be jealous! (Ernie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a nickel; he hesitates handing it over) Wait a minute. If the watch is invisible, how am I supposed to tell the time?

Lefty: Dis is not only an invisible watch...it's also a magic watch!

Ernie: A MAGIC WATCH ? !

Lefty: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ernie (sotto voce) A magic watch?

Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Ernie: How does it work?

Lefty: If youse quit interruptin' me, I'll tell ya!

Ernie: Tell me, tell me!

Lefty: Yer a patient kid, aintcha?

Ernie: Tell me!

Lefty: Well...ya see, all youse do is strap da invisible watch on like so...tink of what time it is...and volla-lolla! Youse got da correct time!

Ernie: I still don't understand.

Lefty (sighs) What time do youse tink it is now?

Ernie: Now?

Lefty: Yeah.

Ernie: Right now?

Lefty: We keep dis up, we're gonna be here till tomorrow...yeah, right now!

Ernie: Well, I would guess it's about five after two...

Lefty (looks at "watch" and does double-take) Amazin'!

Ernie: What?

Lefty: Da watch says exactly five after two!

Ernie: Wow!

Lefty: So we got a sale er what?

Ernie: Sure thing, Mr. Salesman!

Ernie hands Lefty the nickel; Lefty hands Ernie air.

Ernie: Wait a minute...is this a digital watch, or one with hands?

Lefty: Er...what kind do ya like?

Ernie: Solar.

Lefty (double-take) Den it's a solar!

Ernie: Gee! An invisible, magic solar watch!

Lefty: Yeah, yer lucky ta own one a dose...not too many people have 'em.

Ernie: Thanks, mister!

Lefty (trying to get rid of Ernie, before he catches on) Don't mention it, now get outta here! Da sun's gonna be goin' down soon, and ya wanna enjoy tellin' time while youse can, right?

Ernie: Yeah! Oh boy! Wait'll I show Bert!

Ernie scampers away.

Lefty: Heh. Ya see dat, No-Finger? I've been connin' dat chump fer years, an' he's hardly ever caught on. He's my best customer...No-Finger? Eh...No-Finger?

Lefty looks at the spot where No-Finger was standing; the giant rubber octopus is on top of him; all that is visible of No-Finger is a leg, which twitches slightly, then is still. Lefty's eyes widen...he slowly backs away from the scene of the crime, then runs away from the docks, as fast as his little legs will carry him.

[Winslow Leach]

S'okay... Just hope it doesn't get sos bad that I have to have Drake Tungsten pay yus a visit too.

Bah! I can handle Drake...although I'm kinda afraid of Russ Tilefloor, Nick Pigiron and Bob Shatterglass...:eek::eek:

[The Count]

Ha... Don't yous know anyting? Drake always brings his buddy Ric Drywall to back him up. Him and Freddy Fireplug. Only ting wrong is Ernie paid Lefty with a real nickel. He shoulda done like the invisible ice cream cone. *Hands Slug air. Whazat yous ask? Why an invisible nickel of course. *Leaves eating his invisible ice cream.
*Ducks head back in at the last second... Oh, and more please!

[WhiteRabbit]

Tony, thish fic owns. I even sold it my soul. XP So technically...I should be dead and not replying but um...look, a monkey! *runs off*

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty skids around a corner, a la Chaplin being chased by a cop or a bully; he CRASHES into a young woman. Both fall to the ground.

The woman has long brunette hair, green eyes and a tan complexion. The contents of her purse spill all over the place.

Lefty: Why youse careless crum-bum, why doncha watch where yer--

Lefty stares at the woman in awe; he does TWO quadruple-takes.

Lefty: E-e-excuse me, ma-dame! Entirely my fault!

Woman (dazed) It's...it's okay...

Lefty: 'Ere, lemme help youse wit yer poyse...

Woman: Thank you.

Lefty quickly begins to pick up several items from the purse; when the woman turns to pick up contents closer to her, Lefty quickly pockets what he has in his hands: mostly lipstick, makeup and a pen or two. When she turns back, he begins putting the other stuff back into the purse.

Lefty: Dere. I tink dat's everytin'.

Woman: Thanks.

Lefty: Lemme help youse up.

Lefty helps the woman to her feet, and vigorously brushes her off.

Lefty: Just...cleanin' ya...

Woman: It's okay, I'm fine...really...

Lefty: Hey. My name is Lefty.

Woman: I'm Jenny.

Lefty: Jenny, huh? Like in Jennifer?

Jenny: Um. Yes.

Lefty: I knew it!

Jenny: Well...thank you for helping me with my purse.

Lefty: Eh, I wasn't doin' anytin' else, so I figured what da hey.

Jenny: Er...well, thank you all the same.

Lefty: What's a classy broad--I mean, dish--like youse doin' in dis parta town anyway?

Jenny: I'm down here to see him greasy sleazebag of a salesman. He sold me a bunch of sea monkeys, but all they turned out to be was Kool-Aid mix. Now I have a fishbowl filled with grape Kool-Aid!

Lefty: Heh...sounds like Stig "Da Fish" Kremble.

Jenny: You know him?

Lefty: Er...naw, naw...but I would imagine if a salesman who sold you faulty sea monkeys made outta Kool-Aid existed, his name would probably be Stig "Da Fish" Kremble. Erm...how much did he take you fer? Not Stig...da guy what sold youse da--

Jenny: $14.67

Lefty: Heh, dat's Stig fer ya...always chargin' outrageous prices fer...uh...look, youse seem like a nice goil. Ya really shouldn't be hangin' around dis part of town. Dis place is loaded wit teeves and scoundrels who'll try ta sell ya anytin' fer a nickel. Say...youse wouldn't be interested in an inflatable boithday cake, wouldja?

Jenny: Huh?

Lefty: Nuthin'.

Lefty steers Jenny back the way she came, and the two walk in silence for a few moments.

Lefty: I'm doin' youse a favor...riiiiiiiiiight! Youse don't wanna mix wit da crum-bums down dere, ya wanna go out wit me tonight?

Jenny: Excuse me?

Lefty: I'm askin' youse out. On a date.

Jenny: With you?

Lefty: Da one an' only! (flashes cheesy grin)

Jenny: Um...(sniffs) What's that terrible smell? Are you wearing cologne?

Lefty: Naw, I don't believe in dat stuff! Dis is my natural scent! Youse like?

Jenny (revolted) It's...unique...

Lefty: I always taught dat if I could bottle it, I'd be a trillionaire! I'd mark it under da name "Essence Du Lefty."

Jenny: So...what are you doing in this part of town? You're not one of those sleazy salesmen, are you?

Lefty: Me? No, sir! I'm just down 'ere ta...um...squabble wit a crum-bum what sold me...a pack of...uhm...sea monkeys dat...toyned out ta be nuthin' but iced tea. What a co-ink-ee-dink, eh? Wanna go out wit me?

Jenny: I...I don't know...

Lefty: Come on, toots! I helped youse when ya fell down back dere! If it wasn't fer me, you'd probably still be scoopin' up da stuff what fell outta yer poyse! C'mon...I'm a good guy. Do I look like Dracula?

Jenny: Well...

Lefty: I know da best spots in town. When ya cruise wit Lefty, yer cruisin' in style! I'm da man, dawg!

Jenny: I'm washing my hair tonight.

Lefty: People always tells me I look like Brad Pitt, but I tell 'em, naw, I tink I look more like Brad Pitt's twin brudder...but I don't tink he has a twin brudder...youse get da idear.

Jenny: I really have to--

Lefty: Please, just one little date. It cain't hoit. I'm a poifect gentleman. I won't even pick my teeth in public. Or my nose. Now youse cain't refuse someone who's willin' ta sacrifice da simple tings in life like dat!

Jenny: I know I'll regret this in the morning, but...you did help me back there...and you are kind of amusing in a very strange way...all right. I'll go out with you. Tomorrow night.

Lefty (bouncing with joy) YIPPPEEEE! I mean...sure, whatever, babe.

Jenny (looking through her purse) I could have sworn I had a pen in here...whatever...(takes out a small piece of paper and pencil, and hastily writes something) My phone number. Call me tomorrow, and we'll set something up, okay?

Lefty: Sure, toots. Whatever.

Jenny turns, and walks off. As soon as her back is turned, Lefty excitedly bounces up and down, and plays a mean riff on the air guitar.

[The Count]

*Throws brick at Lefty. That's for the crack at our heritage! Yer lucky I don' have ma bandmate Dr. Teeth come in and give yous an even woyse bashing.

Oh, and post more.

[WhiteRabbit]

Dr. Teeth: I'm bizzeh! =P *changes the channel*

Tony...this rocks. Ailie wants more.

[Winslow Leach]

Thanks!:)

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty's top-floor apartment on the docks, not too far from where he met Jenny. The place is a run-down, depressing, barren room. An old, stained mattress is thrown on the floor for a bed; a single lightbulb hangs. A tiny oven from the 1940s is in the corner. There's not even a fridge in the joint. The room looks as if one could fall through the floor at any moment. If a fish lived here, it would leap out of its tank, and right into the stolen frying pan on the stove. But for Lefty, it's home.

There is a lone window; on the sill sits the tank of Mr. Turtle. The thespian is wearing a pair of thick, horn-rimmed glasses, and reading from a script as Lefty breezes in.

Mr. Turtle (reading) ****, senora, is a place for the wicked. The wicked are quite comfortable in it. It was made for them. I am not one of the wicked, therefore it bores me, bores me beyond description, beyond belief.

Lefty: 'Ey, quit dat mumbo-jumbo and lissen! I gots a date fer tomorrow night!

Mr. Turtle: Uneducated imbecile! You have interrupted my rehearsal for Don Juan In ****. I, of course, am playing Don Juan. When Shaw--he wrote the play, by the way, peon--first heard me pronounce his words trippingly on the tongue, he told me he heard better sounds coming out of an upset stomach. But that was Bernie. Such an irascable rascal! He said it with a twinkle in his eye, so I knew he wasn't--a DATE ? !

Lefty: Uh-huh.

Mr. Turtle: ...with a woman?

Lefty: Yup.

Mr. Turtle: A real woman?

Lefty: Whaddaya talkin' about, Optimus Slime, of course a real woman!

Mr. Turtle: Oh dear. She does speak English, doesn't she?

Lefty: Idiot! Yes, she does. I helped 'er out on da street, an' she gave me 'er phone number! I'm gonna go out wit her tomorrow!

Mr. Turtle: It must be snowing in hades!

Lefty: Shaddap, before I toss youse out da winder!

Mr. Turtle: It would be rather preferable, under the circumstances. The thought of you and a woman makes my shell crawl.

Lefty: I'm gonna break youse in half if ya make anudder crack about me. Besides, dere's nuthin' wrong wit Lefty. Any goil would be proud ta take me out.

Mr. Turtle: Excuse me..."Don Juan"...but you don't have to read Shaw to know that the man always pays for the woman, especially on a first date. You weren't thinking of having her pay, were you?

Lefty: Why not?

Mr. Turtle: Ah, my boy, there is so much you need to learn before tomorrow evening. Sit down, and let Uncle Mr. Turtle explain to you the facts of life...

[The Count]

Hu-boy... This could be long and Lefty could be asleep by the time Mr. Turtle gets to anythin relevant. So let's just move on to the next scene shall we? In other words... Please post.

[Winslow Leach]

Hu-boy... This could be long and Lefty could be asleep by the time Mr. Turtle gets to anythin relevant. So let's just move on to the next scene shall we? In other words... Please post.

Yeah...I mean Mr. Turtle needs to explain things using charts, mathematical equations, dolls, bunsen burners (for some odd reason), oh, let's see...diagrams, pictures...he must degrade himself by speaking in the crudest terms possibly ever uttered by a turtle...and Lefty STILL won't get it. It's not necessarily Mr. Turtle's fault. Lefty ain't exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. So let's just skip this little explanation scene about da boids an da bees, shall we?

[The Count]

... Why soitanly! Now on with da story.

[Winslow Leach]

Hu-boy... This could be long and Lefty could be asleep by the time Mr. Turtle gets to anythin relevant.

...actually, Mr. Turtle is more likely to fall asleep, while Lefty just sits there, daydreaming about becoming a blackbelt in Whack-a-Mole...

[Winslow Leach]

The next morning. Mr. Turtle is hoarse. No, wait. Actually, he's a turtle...ah, you get the idea...Lefty, a glazed look in his eyes, is staring at nothing.

Mr. Turtle: ...and that is how to treat a woman properly, in the simplest terms I could muster. Mater was right! I should wash my mouth out with soap, after talking down to you in the vilest way you would understand. Now. Have you any questions before I eat a bar of Dial?

Lefty (beat) ...I like custard cheese...

Mr. Turtle: Gah! You're impossible! I think I'll trundle over to the jail.

Lefty: Why?

Mr. Turtle: I'm sure you'll end up there before the night is over. Someone has to bail you out. Might as well get a head start, seeing I'm not as brisk as I used to be...

Lefty: Hang on a sec...is it proper fer da guy ta take da lady's wig fer her? Is dat da gentlemanly ting ta do?

Mr. Turtle: O_O I'd better start moving...

Mr. Turtle leaves the apartment.

Lefty: Aaah, who needs ya anyway, youse...youse...youse mollusk! I'm gonna have a hot time in da old town tonight, ha cha cha!

Lefty does a little wiggle.

He crosses to his clothes hole, which is literally that. A crude hole punched into the wall, where he keeps his clothing--clean and dirty--stored.

Lefty: Now what shall I wear fer da evenin'...(something catches his eye) Helloooooooo!

[Winslow Leach]

Jenny's apartment. Extremely neat and clean. Not elegant, but comfortable. Jenny is on her cell as she straightens up the place for Lefty's impending arrival.

Jenny: ...er, no...no, he's not exactly what you would call attractive...he's...strange-looking...almost as if he belongs in a cage. Hmm? Oh gosh, no! No, no, no! Uh-huh...I'm not doing that! He's just gonna pick me up, we're gonna go to dinner, and he's gonna bring me right back here. With any luck, I'll be home before nine. No. No I'm not going to invite him in after dinner. He's lucky I'm going out with him at all! Well...he did help me, Michelle...of course, he knocked me down...I dunno...I guess for laughs, really. I haven't had a good laugh in a long time, and with that little slug on my arm, I'm sure my spirits will lift. Ugh. Forget Jake. I haven't talked to him in over a month now. I could care less. Heh, wouldn't it be funny if we ran into him tonight? Jake would flatten him in no time. I mean, this guy is a string bean, okay? Absolutely no muscle. I think I was actually more surprised at him down at the docks than he was of me. I swear, Michelle, this guy looks like a gust of wind could knock him down! Hey, wouldn't it be funny if something happened to him down there, and he couldn't make the date? Like...what if he's in the hospital right now, or worse! Oh my gosh, I so am not! You are! Nah...with my luck, he's liable to ring my bell at any minute--

Doorbell rings.

Jenny: And here's the sexiest man alive right now! Okay, I gotta go, Michelle. I promise I'll give you all the gruesome details when I get back. Yep. Okay. Talk to you later! Love you!

Jenny pockets her cell and looks in the mirror; she is about to fix a few stray hairs, then shrugs. Meh. She crosses to door and opens it.

Lefty struts in looking...er...like a designer's worst nightmare.

He wears a purple crushed-velvet suit that is much too small for him; the sleeves are way too short, and the pants much too high, revealing black socks. He wears a pair of brown shoes, and a dirty white button-down shirt. An extra-wide pink tie is crookedly hanging from his neck. On his head is a ridiculous-looking black toupee that has seen much better days. Moths and various insects have nested in it, and chewed holes through it over the years.

Lefty: 'Ey kid, youse ready er what?

Jenny is too shocked to even laugh at Lefty. His appearance is appalling, and his manner crude. Did I mention his appearance is appalling?

Lefty: Wassa matter? Cat got yer tongue? Heh heh! I just made dat one up. Like it? I was gonna be a stand-up comedian, but I didn't have da patience! Muwahaha! No, wait...I mean...I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have da patience. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! I made dat one up too! Wit me, you'll always be laughin', 'cause I'm da king of comedy.

Jenny: Errr...what's that smell?

Lefty: Notice it?

Jenny: I...couldn't miss it...

Lefty: It's my cologne...Luck Musk...yeah, dey say yer only supposed ta put a dab on yer neck, but I don't do nuthin' in dabs! So I splashed half da bottle all over my face. Then I poured some on my shoit, on accounta it hasn't been washed in about tree months. So youse ready er what?

Jenny: Um...where did you park?

Lefty: Park? Youse must have me confused wit someone else, girlie. I don't have a car! I walked here from my place. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Jenny: We'll...take my car...did you make reservations?

Lefty: Where?

Jenny: The restaurant.

Lefty: Naw. Was I supposed ta or sometin'?

Jenny: It's...okay. It's Friday night. I'm sure the place will be empty.

Lefty: Don't like crowds, huh? I'm a social butterfly myself.

Jenny: Can we go and get this over with--I mean--I haven't eaten all day, and I really need something.

Lefty: Aw, why didn't youse say so? I got sometin' fer ya! (Lefty reaches into a pocket and pulls out nothing; he reaches into his other pocket, and pulls out a melted, slimy Junior Mint, covered with lint, that was probably put in his pocket the last time he wore this suit...which was ages ago) I brought youse candy!

Jenny: Ugh...let's...just go...

Lefty: What's da rush? Don' youse wanna chat fer a bit?

Jenny: We'll chat on the way, Righty.

Lefty: Lefty.

Jenny: Whatever.

Lefty, ever the gentleman, walks out of the apartment before Jenny; Jenny breathes in heavily, closes her eyes, counts to ten, opens them and leaves, shutting the door behind her.

[Winslow Leach]

I vill update ZOON!

;)

[Winslow Leach]

Exterior of the restaurant, a swanky, uptown place that Lefty couldn't afford if his life depended on it. However, Jenny has money, is hungry, and wants to eat at her favorite spot, so nuts to the shady salesman in the cheap toupee, right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiight! Besides, even though it's Friday night and the place is packed, through a major coincidence, Jenny's uncle happens to own the establishment, so there's always a table for her. Pretty neat, huh?;)

Lefty: What da h*** is dis place?

Jenny: The Sarcophagus. Authentic Egyptian cuisine.

Lefty: Egyptian? I ain't gonna eat no mummies!

Jenny: You're in luck. They don't serve mummies on Fridays. Only daddies.

Lefty: Huh?

Jenny: That was a joke.

Lefty: What was?

Jenny: Let's get the show on the road, huh?

Jenny and Lefty exit car. Jenny tosses her keys to the valet.

Jenny: Hey Kermit.

Kermit: Hey.

Kermit gets into car, and drives off.

Lefty: 'Ey! Youse just gave yer car to dat talkin' frog!

Jenny: He's just going to park it for me.

Lefty: Geez. Youse are a lazy chick, aintcha? I bet youse have someone ta stand in fronna yer TV ta change da channel, instead of a remote control, huh?

Jenny walks into restaurant, not bothering to hold the door for Lefty. The door slams in Lefty's face.

[Winslow Leach]

The restaurant is indeed packed. There's a long line of patrons waiting at the door for a table. Jenny breezes right in, and greets her uncle, J.P. Grosse, who owns the place, and acts as official greeter.

Grosse: Jenny!

Jenny: Hey uncle J.P.

Grosse: You're not here alone, are ya?

Jenny: Of course not! You think I'd pay for only one meal? You know me by now!

Grosse: I'm just kiddin' with ya. So who's with ya tonight? Jake?

Jenny: Jake and I broke up.

Grosse: Such a shame. He was a wonderful tipper.

Jenny: He was also immature, slovenly, lazy and ignorant.

Grosse: So...you got a replacement yet?

Lefty appears by Jenny's side, and puts his arm around her.

Lefty (to Grosse) 'Ey chief! Where's da boo-fett table?

Jenny slaps Lefty's arm off of her.

Grosse: Excuse me, sir, we don't serve people who sleep on the sidewalk...unless you suddenly found a wallet with at least $200 in it...which I seriously doubt!

Lefty: Naw, naw, I'm wit da kid here, Groucho. It's all good. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Jenny: Er...uncle J.P...this is my...um..."date" for the evening...Righty...

Lefty: Lefty. Da name's Lefty.

Grosse: Seriously? You're Jenny's date? You're not one of her sympathy cases, are you? You didn't just crawl out of a dumpster?

Jenny: No...no...he's with me...for real...

Grosse (eyeing Lefty suspiciously) Alright...(Grosse picks up two leather-bound menus)

Lefty reaches into his pocket, and takes out a wrinkled gum wrapper; he puts it into Grosse's hand, as if it's money.

Lefty: Da finest table, Jeeves!

Grosse: Ugh!

Grosse leads Lefty and Jenny to a table.

[Winslow Leach]

About a half hour later...Lefty has been talkling Jenny's ear off. Jenny is facedown on the table, bored out of her gourd.

Lefty: ...so I says, "look pal, I know an elephant wearin' pajamas when I sees one, an' dat ain't no elephant! It was a rhino-noss-ee-ee-erous. Da crum-bum was tryin' ta pull da sheep over my eyes, see, but I fooled him! Youse gotta get up about eight-tirty in da mornin' ta pull one over on ol' Lefty...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

'Ey! Where's da matron-d? We shoulda been soived twenny-five minutes ago! Gar-kon! Gar-kon! Did youse forget about us 'ere or what?

[Winslow Leach]

After the meal.

Jenny: I, er, I take it you've never had Egyptian before...

Lefty opens his mouth. A long flame shoots from his mouth, as if he were a dragon.

Jenny: Cut the drama, willya?

Lefty: Dis tasted like fried snake!

Jenny: You lapped it up like there was no tomorrow...

Lefty: I was hungry. Sue me. Now dat I tink about it, it wasn't so good after all...

Lefty lets out an enormous belch.

Several diners turn and stare at him.

Jenny hides her face in embarrassment.

Lefty: Hey toots, youse got a toothpick? I got some fried snake stuck in my teeth ere...

[Winslow Leach]

The show is interrupted...

Waldorf: What was that ? !

Statler: I don't know, but those last two chapters sure weren't funny.

Waldorf: Do the Muppets ever do anything funny?

S & W: Dohohohoho!

Waldorf: Who's writing this thing? A dying Yeti?

Statler: A mouse on a hunger strike?

Waldorf: A one-legged gazelle?

Statler: A toothbrush missing a few bristles?

Waldorf: A rusty showerhead?

Statler: Stewed prunes?

Waldorf: A--stewed prunes?

Statler: Yeah, the prunes were so stewed with anger, they didn't know what they were writing!

S&W: Dohohohoho!

[Winslow Leach]

Jenny and Lefty are on their way out of the restaurant. Lefty has stuffed a handkerchief into his mouth, trying to "cleanse" his tongue.

Grosse: How did you two enjoy your meal?

Jenny: Excellent, as always.

Lefty: Blargh!

Grosse: Was something wrong?

Jenny: No, it--

Lefty (pulls hanky from mouth) I'll say dere was! Ungh! You call dat garbage food ? ! I've seen more appetizin' tings at da bottom of a trash can!

Jenny: Uncle J.P., he did clean his plate!

Lefty: Dat's before I knew what it was!

Grosse: Well, if you ate it, I'll have to charge you. Surprise!

Lefty: Heh heh...look behind dat large potted plant next ta da batroom...surprise!

Jenny: You disgusting--

Lefty: What? Go on! I'm a disgusting what?

Jenny: --a disgusting...um...moss-faced clam!

Lefty (double-take) A moss-faced clam? Get da mouth on dis one! An' dat comin' from someone of da opposite sex, no less! If youse wasn't a goil, I would punch youse in da face right--

Jenny whacks Lefty over the head with her purse; he reels and crashes into a table, where he lands facedown in a bowl of soup.

Sam: Um, waiter! There appears to be a...crum-bum in my soup! Dis-gusting!

[The Count]

:super: So sorry sir! I'll get right on that sir!
*Removes bowl with Lefty, dumping it and him into the leftovers bin out back, throws bowl into dishwasher, gets a new bowl of soup for Sam and places it on his table.
:super: Here you are sir.
*Zips off to next table.

Scooter: Hmmm, I never knew I had a cousin named Jenny. So she owns this great restaurant... Uncle J.P. said I could have the theater. *Sips from his glass of water.

[Winslow Leach]

Grosse (ignoring the commotion, presents Jenny with the check) Here you go!

Jenny (takes check and looks at it) This is over a hundred dollars! That crum-bum had to order the most expensive thing on the menu...

Grosse: Ah, I took off two percent for ya...

Jenny: Gee, thanks.

Grosse: After all, we are family!

Jenny: That's what my mother keeps telling me...

Grosse: So...how ya wanna pay? Cash? Check? Credit Card? Cash? Cash is always nice.

Jenny (sighs) You're lucky I stopped by the ATM this afternoon. I had a feeling this louse would stand me up by the time the check arrived...

Jenny takes a wad of bills from her purse; Grosse's eyes light up as she counts.

Grosse: Don't forget the tip. You can give it to me. I'll make sure your waiter gets it...

Jenny: There you are, Uncle J.P. Don't spend it all in one place.

Grosse: You're a sweet kid.

Jenny: Yeah, yeah...

Jenny heads for the exit.

Grosse: Aren't you forgetting something?

Jenny stops, sighs, turns around, and crosses to Lefty, whose head is still in the soup; she lifts him by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out of the restaurant.

Grosse: I didn't mean that! I meant a kiss on the cheek for your old uncle...(shrugs and secretly pockets the money)

[Winslow Leach]

On the sidewalk...

Jenny lets go of Lefty, who is dazed.

Lefty: Wha happen? We go swimmin' or sometin'?

Jenny: Yes. In a sea of lentils.

Lefty: Huh?

Jenny: You want me to call you a cab, or something?

Lefty: I taught you was gonna drive me back...

Jenny: Um...I forgot...I have some...things to do...

Lefty: Tonight?

Jenny: Yeah.

Lefty: Kinda late, ain't it?

Jenny: Well...I'm a procrastinator, and...look, lemme get you a cab, okay?

Lefty: I wanna go wit youse!

Jenny: But, uh...oh! The frog! The frog stole my car, remember?

Lefty: Da frog?

Jenny: Yeah.

Lefty: Da frog! He stole yer car! Yeah! I remember dat!

Kermit pulls up in Jenny's car and hops out, whistling. He hands the keys to Jenny.

Kermit: Hi-ho, Jenny!

Lefty grabs Kermit by the lapels and shakes him.

Lefty: So! Ya tink youse could get away wit stealin' da lady's car ya teef? Eh? Youse was pretty stupid ta just drive by like dat, wit us standin' out here!

Kermit flicks his long sticky tongue out, and hits Lefty in the eye. Lefty lets go of Kermit, and crashes into several trash cans.

Lefty: Aaaaaarrrrrnnnggghhhhuhhhh!

Kermit: Hey Jenny, you know I play the cymbals?

Jenny: No, I--

Kermit picks up two trash can lids, and bangs both, on either side of Lefty's head. Lefty's head wobbles...boooiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnggggggggggg!

Kermit: Heh, heh heh!

Jenny: That was pretty good.

Kermit walks Lefty toward a trash can, and stuffs him in; he puts the lid on, and carries it out back, behind the restaurant, to a Dumpster. Kermit hurls the can into Dumpster.

Kermit: And that is what I call taking out the trash!

Jenny: You threw a good can like that away?

Kermit: It was losing its shine. The trash cans in front of the place need to be gleaming, according to the boss.

Jenny: Well...thanks, Kermit.

Kermit: No problem, kid.

Jenny and Kermit walk back to Jenny's car.

Jenny: Busy night, huh?

Kermit: Yeah. Hey, earlier this evening a couple stopped to talk to me...

[The Count]

Yaey! Excellent toss by Kermit. Let's check the scores.

9.2, 9.5, 9.4, 9.8, and a 6.7 from the Grouchland judge.

Rully liked his cameo here... Nice to see Kerm in something other than the usual ringleader roll. Please, post more.

[Winslow Leach]

Yaey! Excellent toss by Kermit. Let's check the scores.

9.2, 9.5, 9.4, 9.8, and a 6.7 from the Grouchland judge.

Rully liked his cameo here... Nice to see Kerm in something other than the usual ringleader roll. Please, post more.

LOL! Nice scores there!;)

Zere vill be more zoon!:D

[Winslow Leach]

Dawn.

The Dumpster behind the restaurant pops open, and Lefty sticks his head out, dazed, his toupee askew, his clothing torn and covered with garbage.

Lefty: Feh! I feel like I spent da night in a garbage can er sometin'...

Oscar the Grouch's head pops up.

Oscar: Hey, don't knock it till ya try it, pal!

Oscar tosses Lefty out of Dumpster, and slams down lid.

Lefty: How did I end up in dere? Da last ting I remember was tusslin' wit an oversized amphibian...(rolls up his sleeves) Wait'll I finish wit 'im!

Lefty marches to the front of restaurant, and tries to open the locked door.

Lefty: Lemme in, lemme in! Youse can't hide in dere forever, frog! I'm gonna slap youse silly!

Lefty shakes door.

Lefty: Aargh! I kin see dis is gonna take some force!

Lefty walks backward, and charges into door. Nothing. He walks further backward, and charges. Nothing.

Lefty backs into the street.

Unfortunately he doesn't see the city bus plowing in his direction, nor does he hear its horn, so obsessed is he with breaking down the door. As Lefty is about to charge, the brakes of the bus squeal, but it's too late.

The salesman is rammed by the bus.

Lefty's limp, raglike body flies through the air...

Meanwhile...

Bunsen and Beaker walk down the sidewalk, about a block away from where Lefty was hit.

Bunsen: No, no, Beakie. It is scientifically impossible for pigs to fly!

Beaker ("no") Meep!

Bunsen: But I'm telling you! If I'm wrong, I'll...I'll eat your pocket-protector!

Lefty sails out of the sky, and crashes to sidewalk, landing right in front of Bunsen and Beaker.

Beaker: Meemeemoo!

Bunsen: What do you mean "close enough?" That's not a pig, it's a...oh, dear!

Beaker triumphantly hands Bunsen his pocket-protector.

Bunsen: Do you at least have barbecue sauce?

Bunsen and Beaker walk on.

[Winslow Leach]

Twilight.

After numerous pedestrians, gawkers and passers-by have done everything BUT help Lefty, the sneak thief comes to...

Lefty: Ungh...

Newsie, standing by with a microphone and Anything Muppet cameraman, is startled.

Newsie: It looks like...yes, it looks like he's finally coming to, folks! This is television history in the making! (looks at watch) Unfortunately I have to get down to the station for the evening news. (to Lefty) Thanks a lot...crum-bum! I've been standing here all day! Why couldn't you wake up earlier?

Newsie bops Lefty on the head with his mic as he walks off in a huff, followed by cameraman.

Lefty sits up and shakes his head. He looks around, and notices people staring at him.

Lefty (speaking in an upper-class English accent) I say, what are you pedestrians gawking at? Have I grown a second head?

Lefty stands and brushes himself off.

Lefty: What the deuce? Whatever am I doing in this horrendous clown outfit? If those wags at Cambridge had anything to do with this, I shall inform the authorities at once!

He touches his head, and yanks toupee off.

Lefty: What the bloody **** is this? A dead rodent of some kind? Oh, Dickie, Babbs and Williams are certainly going to pay! Now...where am I...?

As coincidence (or an extremely lazy writer) would have it, Mr. Turtle appears from around the corner, just as Lefty is wondering where the deuce he is.

Mr. Turtle: There you are!

Lefty (looking around) I beg your pardon?

Mr. Turtle: Where have you been? I was waiting for you at the jail, but you never showed up. I know you didn't go home with your date, so what happened? A gang of rogues rough you up?

Lefty: Who is speaking?

Mr. Turtle: Down here...

Lefty: Goodness gracious! A talking turtle!

Mr. Turtle: Please do try to refrain from the comedy. I'm awfully tired.

Lefty: Where did you come from?

Mr. Turtle: What do you mean where did I come from? You very bloody well know I'm your under-fed, under-loved pet! And stop making fun of the way I speak! Tisn't polite!

Lefty: I say old chap...do you know where I am?

Mr. Turtle: You're in the bloody Twilight Zone.

Lefty: Rather!

Mr. Turtle: Come on, you need to be at...er...work...

Lefty: And where is work, old bean?

Mr. Turtle: Stop making fun of my voice!

Lefty: You stop making fun of my voice, old sod! I say, it is rather rude having a lower form of life speak in the cultured tones of a privledged, well-respected man such as myself.

Mr. Turtle: Who are you calling a lower form of life, sir?

Lefty: Why you, wot?

Mr. Turtle: Sir, you try my patience!

Lefty: I shan't get into a row with you on this lovely evening. I would like your help. You see, I am rather new to the city, and I seem to have forgotten where I live, which is quite embarrassing. If you would kindly direct me to my lodgings, I shall be ever so grateful.

Mr. Turtle: Lefty...what happened, my boy?

Lefty: What did you call me?

Mr. Turtle: Lefty. That's your name.

Lefty: I should jolly well say not, old sport! Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Sir Ambrose Artichoke.

Mr. Turtle: What the deuce?

Lefty: I see my reputation precedes me. Yes, I am the Sir Ambrose Artichoke.

Mr. Turtle: Er...

Lefty: I say, don't stand there gawking at me, you bloody fool! You seem to know your way around...and you claim to have heard of me, so...where are my lodgings, if you please?

Mr. Turtle: F-f-f-ollow me...

Lefty: 'Tis about time!

Lefty begins to follow Mr. Turtle.

Lefty: I say, can you pick up the pace a bit?

[AnimatedC9000]

The Bunsen! The Beaker! The pocket-protecter! The Newsie! The Lefty with an English accent! XD "What the duece?" indeed!

Man, this story is getting funnier as I read it! Update soon!

[Winslow Leach]

Thanks for reading, Cait!:)

[AnimatedC9000]

No problem at all, Tony. Anything for a friend/fellow Elvis fan.

[Winslow Leach]

Mr. Turtle leads Lefty into the salesman's decrepit home.

Lefty: COR! The stench in this vile place! I say old fruit, why did you bring me to this hovel of the ******?

Mr. Turtle: This is where you live.

Lefty (does a "dignified" double-take) You lie, sir!

Mr. Turtle: It's the truth, wot.

Lefty: Sir, I am not accustomed to American humor. I am on holiday from Cambridge. Mater gave me enough currency for the finest residence. Now where am I really staying, old bean? A penthouse suite? Somewhere classy, such as the Waldorf?

Waldorf suddenly appears.

Waldorf: Eh?

Lefty ("dignified" double-take) What the deuce? !

Waldorf: What do you want, pickle-puss? I was right in the middle of heckling a tap-dancing cheeseburger that was simultaneously spinning plates and gargling Gershwin! I said to my old colleague Statler that the act would make Gershwin turn vegetarian! Doh ho ho ho ho!

Lefty: You, sir are an ignorant ***!

Waldorf: English muffins are more English than you! Now stop calling my name. I don't go around calling yours!

Waldorf vanishes.

Lefty: That was...strange.

Mr. Turtle: Rather.

Lefty: Where was I? Ah yes! Where am I staying?

Mr. Turtle: I told you...right here!

Lefty: Bloody ****! (searches pockets) I know mater gave me a billfold with enough currency to...where is it?

Mr. Turtle: Where is what?

Lefty: My billfold, that's what!

Mr. Turtle: You must be joking! Money burns through you so fast--

Lefty: It was here...where could it...you! You stole it!

Mr. Turtle: What an asinine accusation!

Lefty: Hand it over.

Mr. Turtle: First of all, in case you haven't noticed old man, I'm a turtle! Second of all, where would I hide your..."billfold?"

Lefty: Cor! In your shell, of course!

Mr. Turtle: Oh, bloody ****!

Lefty picks up Mr. Turtle and shakes him roughly.

Lefty: Give it here! I say, give it here!

Mr. Turtle (calmly, as he's being shaken) Ow...please stop...please stop shaking me, there's a good lad...I don't have your money...please do stop shaking me...I'm getting rather dizzy...

Lefty throws Mr. Turtle against the wall.

Mr. Turtle: Oof!

Lefty: I suppose you were telling the truth.

Mr. Turtle: You think so? Is this the way you treated your date last night? Is that why she walked out on you?

Lefty: Date? What the deuce are you talking about?

Mr. Turtle: You rusty Romeo! Don't you recall accompanying a young woman to dinner?

Lefty: Noooooooo...

Mr. Turtle: Her phone number and address is on the desk over there...

Lefty crosses to desk and looks at small scrap of paper.

Lefty: Jenny? I met a girl named Jenny?

Mr. Turtle: Probably robbed her blind, too!

Lefty: I shall call and get re-acquainted with this Jenny. Perhaps I shall get more out of her than I did you!

Mr. Turtle: You gonna throw her against the wall as well?

Lefty: Keep quiet! Where's the telephone?

Mr. Turtle: What telephone?

Lefty: Of course. I shall get answers from this young lass, or my name isn't Sir Ambrose Artichoke!

Lefty sweeps out of the room.

Mr. Turtle shakes his head in pity.

[Winslow Leach]

Jenny's apartment.

Lefty, still clad in his filthy rags from the night before, buzzes her bell.

After a few beats, Jenny opens the door, and is immediately revolted by Lefty's stench and appearance.

Jenny: Holy mildewed fungus!

Lefty: Erm, pardon me, but are you the bird I spent last evening with?

Jenny: Forget it. I'm not going on a second date with you, no matter what silly accent you're trying to use on me tonight.

Lefty: Oh, you're a saucy little vixen, aren't you?

Jenny: Please leave.

Lefty: May I say I had no idea you were so...stunning?

Jenny: Thanks. Bye now!

Lefty: Wait. I need your help. You see, I'm rather new to the city, and I need to find my lodgings.

Jenny: Just follow the stench of fish carcasses.

Lefty: I don't understand why everyone is keeping my temporary place of residence a secret from me! (beat) What city is this anyway?

Jenny: See ya!

Lefty barges through the door, and jumps onto Jenny's couch. He begins to croon like Robbie Williams.

Lefty (singing)

Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen,
Thank you for all the joy and pain
Picture shows, second balcony, was the place we'd meet,
Second seat, go dutch treat, you were sweet!

Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen,
Thank you for funny cards from Spain!

I recall Central Park and all,
How you tore your dress, what a mess, I confess, that's not all!

HEY!

Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen

HIT ME!

Thank you for the walks down lover's lane,
I can see hearts carved on a tree,
Letters intertwined for all time, yours and mine, that was fine,

WHOA!

Danke schoen, whoa whoa whoa whoa, danke schoen,
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, danke schoen,
Huh huh huh huh,
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNKKKKEEEE SCHOOOOOEEEEEN!

OH YEAH!

Long pause.

Jenny: Get the **** out of here!

Lefty hangs his head dejectedly, and heads for the door.

Jenny slams it shut.

[WhiteRabbit]

XP Poor Lefty, he should leave that Jenny chick for Spamela. Then he'd be gettin' some! O_O *shudders for a second*

Freakin' funny as always, Toneh. Keep it up! :halo:

[Winslow Leach]

Fanks, Wabbit!:)

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty sweeps into his room, startling Mr. Turtle, who is doing the Times crossword.

Lefty: I have been rammed in the heart by Cupid's arrow, old bean!

Mr. Turtle: Splendid. Now Old Toothless Maggie won't be loitering down on the corner, pining for you...or for any two-bit sneak thief, now that I think of it...

Lefty: I'm in love with Jennifer!

Mr. Turtle: Jennifer who? Not the Jennifer who literally dumped you last evening?

Lefty: The very same! Ah, she is the sweetest pumpkin I have ever gazed upon. A pumpkin with a brain and a heart, of course.

Mr. Turtle: You know, for a moment there, I thought you had a poet hidden inside your rather revolting outer shell...as usual, I was wrong!

Lefty: I shall compose a flowery ode to my lady fair!

Mr. Turtle: Before you do that, would you mind stepping over here for a minute please?

Lefty: Better me than you, wot? It would take a fortnight for you to get halfway across this room.

Lefty crosses to Mr. Turtle.

Lefty: Now what can I do for you?

Mr. Turtle: Would you please come down to my level, sir?

Lefty: Be obliged to, old fruit!

Lefty squats next to Mr. Turtle.

Lefty: Hit me!

Mr. Turtle swiftly produces a large, wrapped salami from his shell, and slaps Lefty across the face with it. Lefty rolls backward.

Lefty: BLOODY ****!

Mr. Turtle (sighs) Oh well...chalk that up as a failed experiment.

Lefty: What was that for ? !

Mr. Turtle: I was hoping that whack would help you regain your memory. As much as I despise him, I miss the old crum-bum.

Lefty: For the last time my aquatic friend, I do not have amnesia...I simply don't remember anything that's happened to me, especially the circumstances surrounding Jennifer, and why she seems to loathe me. My name is, and always has been, Sir Ambrose Artichoke.

Mr. Turtle: And (sings) I'm 'Enery the Eighth I am, 'Enery the Eighth I am, I am!

Lefty: Sorry to dash your dreams, my dear chap, but you will never play the Palladium.

Mr. Turtle: Psh! I played the Palladium before you were born, you vulgarian! I once shared a bill with Danny Kaye, Sir Larry and Vivien Leigh. Charming woman, Vivien. Backstage we would toss out lines from Gone With the Wind. I would be Ashley Wilkes, and of course she would be--

Lefty: Yes, charming. But enough about you! I must have total silence as I compose my sonnet.

Mr. Turtle: A sonnet now? This should be good!

Lefty takes a pencil and small pad out of his coat, sits, and begins to write; Mr. Turtle sighs heavily, and goes back to his crossword.

Lefty: Conrad.

Mr. Turtle: Beg pardon?

Lefty: Name of author who wrote Heart of Darkness.

Mr. Turtle: What the deuce are you--

Lefty: Six letters down...author of Heart of Darkness. Conrad. Now stop disturbing me!

Mr. Turtle (looks at crossword, then at Lefty) How did you...?

But Lefty is already scribbling his letter.

Mr. Turtle: I knew that! Everybody knows that!

Mr. Turtle fills in the blanks.

[AnimatedC9000]

Hey, Lefty... or Sir Artichoke...

*does the "cuckoo" sign with her hands* Serioiusly, what happened to the two-bit salesman we used to know?

[Winslow Leach]

Hey, Lefty... or Sir Artichoke...

*does the "cuckoo" sign with her hands* Serioiusly, what happened to the two-bit salesman we used to know?

Lefty: Why the deuce does everyone mistake me for some two-bit salesman? I am a well-educated, well-bred aristocrat! I must bear a striking resemblance to this odd-sounding fellow...pity...I rather fancied myself as Jude Law's double...

[The Count]

... JudeLaw's double what? Double chin? hangover? over in pain?
:sleep::boo: *Chuckle.

[Winslow Leach]

INTERMISSION

Sped-up footage, with crazy Benny Hill music in the background...

Lefty runs around a field with a butterfly net...

He drops the net over Sam the Eagle's head...

Sam, tangled in the net, tries to punch Lefty, but only swats at the air...

Lefty chuckles, and begins to drag his "prize" away...

As Lefty walks in triumph, Sam manages to get the net off of his head...

Lefty, oblivious, continues walking...

Lefty passes a giant oak tree...

Sam pops out from behind the tree with a tennis raquet...

He smashes Lefty over the head with the raquet, breaking it...

Crazy music continues as the salesman swoons in a daze...

Sam takes Lefty by the shoulders, and turns him around...

Sam backs up, and looks at Lefty for a moment, as if gazing on a statue...

He walks back to Lefty, and slightly re-positions him...

Sam steps back and stares at Lefty...perfect!

Sam rushes Lefty, and gives him a swift kick in the bottom...

Lefty falls forward, on his face...

Sam gives a "take that" nod, and trots off...

FIN

[The Count]

Heh... Maybe the crazy Benny Hill music won't follow the sneak-thief all the way to his home this time. :cool:

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty and Jenny perform an elaborate pas de deux...

Jenny: Oh Lefty, you dance divinely!

Lefty: Sir Ambrose.

Jenny: Oh yes. A rose by any other name...

Lefty: 'Twould smell as sweet, my dear!

Pop!

The dream ends, and Lefty sits up in bed; he is immediately hit in the face by a frying pan, wielded by Mr. Turtle.

Lefty: WHAT IS BLOODY *WRONG* WITH YOU?

Mr. Turtle: Nothing?

Lefty: Are you a descendant of the Marquees de Sade? Do you enjoy inflicting pain on people...namely me?

Mr. Turtle: Thoughts of nickels or invisible ice cream cones running through your head?

Lefty: What the deuce...? Oh...you still believe I'm this rancid "Lefty" fellow, don't you?

Mr. Turtle: But your name is Lefty...and you are rancid!

Lefty: Bah!

Mr. Turtle gestures to a black-and-white police mug shot of Lefty taped to the wall.

Mr. Turtle: Who do you think that is? Your twin?

Lefty: My dear sir...billions of people on this planet...and you choose me to torture! (dramatically) Why, oh why was I cursed with such good looks?

Mr. Turtle: Rot!

Lefty: You would think a dashing, handsome rogue such as myself would have no trouble standing out...

Mr. Turtle: You stand out all right...bloody crum-bum...

Lefty gets up, and searches room.

Lefty: Where's the letter?

Mr. Turtle: What letter?

Lefty: The letter I composed to Jennifer. I want to mail it.

Mr. Turtle: The postman dropped by while you were asleep. I didn't want to wake you, so I took the liberty of handing him the letter myself. Oh, and I also made a few slight revisions.

Lefty: Revisions? That letter was perfect!

Mr. Turtle: Says you!

Lefty: What did you write?

Mr. Turtle: I just elaborated on a few little things...tweaked some words here and there...no worries...I'm sure Jennifer will love it!

---------------------------------------------------

Jenny, in her apartment, reading Lefty's letter, which has been extensively re-written by Mr. Turtle.

Dear Rebecca--I mean Jennifer--'ey! Dis is yer ol' pal Lefty 'ere...I hope I didn't catch youse in da batroom er anytin' like dat...bloody ****, I can't believe I'm writing the way that sneak-thief talks...where was I? Oh yeah...I hope I didn't catchya in da batroom...I was only foolin' talkin' ta you like dat in dat funny voice...dis is da real me. I wanted ta know if youse wanna meet me in da alley down on Canal Street tonight...if ya do, please check da "yes" box I have provided fer youse 'ere...um...you look like a mop, what wit yer hair an' all...but I mean dat in a good way, Samantha, er...Jennifer...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! 'Ey, I gots a joke fer ya: what did da toikey say when he crossed da road? "Gobble gobble!" Heh heh! Lefty.

[Winslow Leach]

Tree--I mean three--days later...

Lefty is pacing; Mr. Turtle is reading Tolstoy.

Lefty: I don't understand it, old fruit! That letter would have made a jellyfish fall in love with an octopus!

Mr. Turtle: Maybe it got lost in the mail?

Lefty: It's possible, but I do doubt it, my lad. If only we had a telephone in this rat hole. I would call the fair damsel up, and try to sort out this kafuffle.

Mr. Turtle: Why don't you write her another one?

Lefty: My dear fellow, would you ask Dickens to write a sequel to Great Expectations? No, something must have happened...(beat; Lefty suddenly spins) I know! Someone must have tampered with it! Yes. Some unsavory character must have gotten hold of my letter whilst in transit and...wait a minute...didn't you say you added some revisions, old bean?

Mr. Turtle: Me?

Lefty: No. The other talking turtle in the room.

Mr. Turtle: Oh. Ask him, then.

Lefty: What exactly did you revise?

Mr. Turtle: Nothing major...er...look, I'll level with you Left--Sir Ambrose--I believe you did that woman wrong. I don't exactly know how or why, but I believe she is traumatized somehow by her encounter with you. The letter wasn't exactly a revision. It was a rewrite. A total rewrite. I did it for her sake, wot. Believe me, if you knew Lefty, you would have done the same.

Lefty: Ah. Well. I'm glad you told me the truth, old sport.

Mr. Turtle: You're not angry?

Lefty: Psh! Why should I be angry? You were only doing the bird a favor.

Mr. Turtle: Rather.

Pause.

Lefty bolts across the room, roughly picks up Mr. Turtle by the neck, and begins strangling him.

Lefty: @&# ! ! ! ! %*&$ ! ! ! !

Mr. Turtle: Gaaah! Aaarrrghhh!

Lefty drops Mr. Turtle, and runs out of the apartment.

Mr. Turtle: My word! I've been around forever, and have never heard an expression like that!

Mr. Turtle coughs, and goes back to his Tolstoy.

[Winslow Leach]

Statler: Ah, young love! I remember it well.

Waldorf: So do I, but what's the point of bringing the War of 1812 into this?

Statler hits Waldorf in the face; Waldorf's face scrunches.

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty frantically buzzes Jenny's door buzzer. She opens door.

Jenny: Oh no.

Lefty: Please, my dear, let me explain--

Jenny punches Lefty in the face.

Lefty: Fair enough. I had that coming.

Jenny knees Lefty; Lefty doubles over.

Lefty: OO-WEEE! I had that coming too!

Jenny: Well, if you want more--

Lefty: Wait wait wait! I've come to apologize for the letter. You see, my pet turtle rewrote the original, and--

Jenny: Your...pet turtle...?

Lefty: Yes. For some blasted reason, the creature knows how to speak, think and write like a human being. Don't ask me how or why, but he bloody well does! Anyway, he was trying to protect you from me...I haven't the faintest notion why...probably wanting to play the gallant white knight or some bloody thing...look, Jennifer, let me level with you. I haven't been myself lately, and I would greatly appreciate it if I can explain the whole thing to you. And whilst I'm explaining, would you mind giving me an ice pack for my...erm...yes.

Jenny (beat) I have no idea why I should believe what you just told me...but there's nothing good on TV right now, so you might as well come in. But I'm warning you: I can yell really loud, and my neighbor is a 320-pound linebacker, so you'd better watch yourself...

Lefty: Thank you, my dear...

Lefty, still hunched over, follows Jenny into her apartment.

Jenny: And I'm keeping the door open!

[The Count]

*Sneaks in in the middle of the night, reads, approves, then skulks back into the shadows.

[Winslow Leach]

*Sneaks in in the middle of the night, reads, approves, then skulks back into the shadows.

Fanks, Constant Reader!:);)

[Winslow Leach]

Sipping a cup of tea with his pinky raised, Lefty explains everything that's happened to him so far in the story.

As Lefty rambles on, Jenny's frosty exterior almost melts.

Lefty: ...and that, my dear, is how I beat off the dastardly army of pineapples with a mere stick!

Jenny: Huh?

Lefty: How I...oh! I'm sorry. I must have rambled too far. What I meant to say was, and that, my dear, brings us up to date.

Jenny: So...you're really this Ambrose--

Lefty: Sir Ambrose Artichoke, yes.

Jenny: And you were apparently knocked on the head with a blunt instrument, and somehow imagined yourself as a shady waterfront salesman?

Lefty: Quite. Although I still cannot recall who or what "conked me on the noggin," as you Americans say...or why. I'm a rather peace-loving fellow...except when I found out what that blasted talking seashell did to my letter!

Jenny: More tea?

Lefty: Five cups is my limit for the afternoon. I really must get going, my dear. Now the question is: after all of this, would you like to dine with me this evening? For the life of me, I cannot recall our last rendezvous.

Jenny: It's best you don't remember. And yes. I'm willing to give you a second chance. If you promise to act civilized, wear clothing from the 21st century and leave the dead rat home.

Lefty: Dead rat?

Jenny: Your toupee.

Lefty: Oh, that bloody thing! No fear, it's already in the rubbish bin. Shall we say...eight o'clock this evening?

Jenny: Fine by me.

Lefty: I shall rent an automobile and pick you up.

Jenny: Okay. You do know how to drive, don't you?

Lefty: Piece of cake!

-----------------------------------------------

Cut to car rental agency; Lefty, behind the wheel of a rental car, is sobbing.

Lefty: What do I do? What do I do? Blast! This is what I get for being chauffered my whole life!

Lefty bangs his head against the steering wheel in frustration.

[The Count]

Heh... Maybe it'd be better to get :super: to ferry you away in his taxi? That way you won't have to put up with the frog, the one foil to Ambrose's plans. Unless you want to go there... *Scrambles away for a nap.

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty arrives at Jenny's door; he's dressed quite nicely, for perhaps the first time in his life...maybe a little too *overdressed*, as he's wearing a slick tuxedo. He holds a large bouquet of flowers.

BUZZZZZ!

Jenny, also dressed for the evening, opens up.

Jenny (stunned by his sleek appearance) Sir Ambrose ? !

Lefty: In the felt, my dear.

Jenny: Wow. You're actually a half hour early!

Lefty: But of course. Promptness is a virtue, you know. Here. These lovely pansies are for you. I picked them from the flower display decorating the front of this rather handsome building.

Jenny: Mr. Fitz will kill you!

Lefty: Mr. Fitz?

Jenny: The landlord!

Lefty: Not to worry, my pet, 'twas merely a chuckle. I purchased these for you on the way over. (hands flowers to Jenny) I must say, though...those flowers pale in comparison to you, my dear!

Jenny: Oh, Sir Ambrose!

Jenny rushes into her apartment, sticks the flowers in a refrigerated gallon of water, and dashes back to Lefty.

Lefty: So where are we to dine this evening?

Jenny: I was thinking my uncle's Egyptian restaurant.

Lefty: Your uncle owns an Egyptian restaurant?

Jenny: Until the real owner pays him the four months rent that is overdue, yes.

Lefty: Rath-er! I shall never forget the summer Mater and I spent in Egypt. I recall the food with great fondness. Tell me: is the food at your uncle's restaurant authentic, or a dastardly American knockoff?

Jenny: Well, I've never been to Egypt myself, but according to Uncle J.P. the recipies and ingredients are authentically Egyptian. He even tried to import several Egyptian chefs, but they balked at what he wanted to pay them. Uncle J.P. is pretty tight with a dollar.

Lefty: I see. But he is well-staffed in the kitchen? I have a very fussy palate. I abhor anything less than the best.

Jenny: Oh, he has very competent cooks. Their head man is from Sweden.

Lefty: A Swedish chef?

Jenny: Yes.

Lefty: Hm. This may turn out to be a rather interesting dining experience. Come, shall we?

Jenny shuts the door to her apartment, and locks it.

Lefty: Oh, I hate to be a wet blanket, but would you mind driving? I had some bad luck with my automobile this afternoon.

Jenny: Sure.

Lefty and Jenny walk down the hallway together.

[Winslow Leach]

Jenny drives up to the restaurant. She is relieved to notice the valet is not Kermit, but Sam the Eagle.

Lefty: Ah, valet parking! Rather!

Before Jenny can get out of the car, Lefty is already holding her door open.

Lefty: Madam?

Lefty takes Jenny's hand, and the two walk to the entrance.

Jenny: Sam? What are you doing here?

Sam: I, er...I couldn't pay the check, so your uncle made me don this disgusting clothing, and park revolting, unsafe for the environment automobiles! Bah! And my dinner wasn't even worth it! I told him one hundred times exactly...my wallet is in my other suit! But he wouldn't let me go home and get it!

Lefty: How long were you out here, old man?

Sam: Six hours.

Lefty: Well, here's a little something for your trouble...(hands Sam a $10 bill) Cheer up, old fruit! Don't scratch the lady's vehicle, if you please.

Kermit emerges from the restaurant.

Kermit (to Sam) Okay deadbeat, Mr. Grosse says you've had enough. You're shift is over.

Sam: Thank you, froggy!

Sam tears his valet shirt off, throws it down, and stomps on it; he holds his head high in dignity, and walks off.

Kermit: Hi-ho, Jenny, always a pleasure to see you! And who have you brought--(recognizes Lefty) YOU!

Lefty: Me?

Kermit: Back for more, eh?

Lefty: I do so enjoy Egyptian cuisine, but I don't recall ever coming to this particular establishment.

Kermit (rolling up his sleeves) Oh this is gonna be good!

Jenny: Kermit, please!

Kermit: I'm sorry, Jenny. Me and your "boyfriend" have some unfinished business to take care of.

Lefty: I say old bean, are you referring to me?

Kermit: What's with the voice? Trying to impress the lady with that phony accent?

Lefty: Accent?

Kermit: Don't play dumb with me, Cornelius! I'm onto you!

Lefty: Would you please enlighten me?

Kermit: Ready for another visit to the Dumpster?

Lefty: Another visit to--(to Jenny) Who the deuce is this bloody fool?

Kermit: Okay, that's it!

Kermit grabs Lefty by the lapels of his tux coat aaaannndddd...

Well, that's all for tonight!

To be continued...

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty: I say, do let go of me.

Kermit (imitating Lefty) I say, do let go of me.

Kermit slaps Lefty several times across the face.

Jenny: Kermit!

Kermit: I'm sorry Jenny, but his face makes me want to do this!

Kermit squeezes Lefty's nose.

Kermit: Had enough, tough guy?

Lefty (whimpering) Yes...please don't hurt me anymore, froggy!

Kermit punches Lefty in the stomach.

Kermit: The name's Kermit!

Kermit grabs Lefty by the arms, and the two of them spin furiously; Kermit lets go of Lefty, and Lefty sails through the air, into a pile of trash cans.

Kermit: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY ! !

Jenny runs to Lefty.

Jenny: Sir Ambrose! Sir Ambrose, are you all right? I am so sorry!

Lefty: I'm fine, Jenny. I was merely playing possum.

Lefty bounds to his feet enthusiastically. He struts back to Kermit.

Lefty: Hey Warts...now it's my turn!

Kermit: You never learn, do you? (sighs) Okay Ringo, now you've made me really mad!

Lefty reaches into both of his pockets and pulls out two small items that resemble pens. He tosses one to Kermit, who catches it in confusion.

Lefty: Your weapon, sir!

Lefty pushes a button, and the "pen" extends into a rapier.

Lefty: I have one up on you, swamp-dweller! I am a world-class fencing champion!

Kermit (gulps) Hey, buddy...let's call a truce, eh? I'll let you in without so much as a glance, how 'bout it?

Lefty: En garde, car-jockey!

Kermit: See, I've never actually...I mean...I'm certainly no Errol Flynn or Basil Rathbone here, I'm just a working frog. There really is no need in my daily life for...um...rapiers.

Lefty: I said...en garde!

Kermit gulps again; he presses the button on his rapier; it immediately extends; he jumps back in shock.

Lefty: Ready, froggy?

Kermit: Urp...no...

Lefty: Too late! You're holding a deadly weapon. I must defend myself.

Fast as lightning, Lefty leaps at Kermit, swishing his rapier at the same time. In one clean cut, Kermit's clothes fall off in a ragged, cut heap at his feet.

Lefty: The emperor has no clothes!

Jenny: Um...what does that mean in this context?

Lefty: I...don't know...I'm not quite up on my witty American action hero comebacks.

Kermit is mortified to be "naked." Naturally, several people walk by, all gawking and snickering. The cars that pass slow and their occupants stare with open mouths; some cars honk at the frog.

Kermit rushes to the trash cans, and takes out a soggy, dirty, disgusting newspaper. He wraps it around his middle and, sobbing, runs down the street.

Jenny: That was...amazing! No one has ever stood up to Kermit before.

Lefty: Bully, eh?

Jenny: Actually he's one of the sweetest fellows in this town. No one's ever had reason to stand up to him.

Lefty: Oh...

Jenny: But still...it was amazing...

Lefty (offering his elbow) Shall we, my dear?

Jenny (referring to Lefty's rapier) Um...

Lefty: Oh, yes. I'm sorry. (presses button; rapier becomes pen-sized again) Shall we, my dear?

As Jenny and Lefty walk arm-in-arm towards the restaurant...

Jenny: Has that ever...gone off in your pocket?

Lefty: Why no. It comes equipped with a safety lock. You think I would ruin my trousers by misadventure?

Jenny: Course not.

Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! (beat; Jenny stares at him) My word! Where did that come from? Oh well. 'Twas merely a slip of the tongue, wot? I don't know about you, but I'm starved, yum-yum!

A look of apprehension crosses Jenny's face as the two enter the restaurant.

[The Count]

Eh, she'll figure it out... Eventually. *Tips hat at an update of any story here, leaves a tip for da Tommy kid.

[Winslow Leach]

Jenny's kitchen, later.

Lefty is helping her wash teacups and plates.

Lefty: That grey tea was simply marvelous, my dear! And those buttered scones...did you hear music as they entered my tummy? Yum-yum!

Jenny: I'm glad you enjoyed them, Sir Ambrose. Would you like to take the rest home?

Lefty: Oh my word, no. I'm afraid if I eat another, I shall gain some growth in my posterior.

Jenny: They'll only go to waste here.

Lefty: Well, since you twisted my arm...

Lefty scoops up the rest of the scones, and drops them into a plastic baggie Jenny hands him.

Lefty: That turtle chap and I shall have a rousing breakfast tomorrow morn, wot?

Jenny: How did you like dinner?

Lefty: Splendid! Your uncle is a delightful host.

Jenny: Not everybody thinks so.

Lefty: Everybody, pish-posh! The man is a charmer. Did you see how his eyes lit up when I promised to send him a check for $500, due to the fabulous meal we shared?

Jenny: I think that's a little too generous.

Lefty: Bah! What is money anyway? Just dirty paper. Mater will be glad to wire me my allowance.

Jenny: Well, I must say, I'm very impressed with you, Sir Ambrose.

Lefty: Thank you, Jennifer. I aim to please, wot?

Jenny: Would you like to...watch some television?

Lefty: Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Unfortunately I must return to my tiny hovel and check on my turtle comrade. Besides...someone needs her beauty sleep.

Before Jenny can reply, Lefty turns and walks out of the kitchen with his bag of scones.

Jenny stares after him...

[Winslow Leach]

Montage:

As Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" plays, we see scenes of Lefty and Jenny strolling in the park, holding hands; eating ice cream cones; sharing a hot dog; Jenny whacking a mallet at a carnival test-your-strength game, hitting the bell at the top, and winning Lefty a large teddy bear; Lefty rowing with Jenny in a canoe; Lefty and Jenny walking out of a movie theatre playing a romantic comedy; Lefty happily handing J.P. Grosse large wads of cash for no reason...J.P. is grinning from ear to ear, Jenny is rolling her eyes; Jenny about to step in a puddle...Lefty motions her to halt as he places his coat over the puddle. As Jenny steps on the coat, she falls through (apparently the "puddle" was a small pond); Lefty walking Jenny to her apartment door; the two share a kiss.

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty's dump of a home, a few days later.

Lefty: I tell you, old fruit, I am absolutely smitten!

Mr. Turtle: Yes. If you tell me that one more time, I shall go positively insane!

Lefty: Have I mentioned it before?

Mr. Turtle: Every second of every day. But I suppose I understand. In my youth, I was quite the gay blade. I had women knocking down my door.

Lefty: Bully!

Mr. Turtle: Erm, yes.

Lefty: I shall ask Jennifer to marry me tonight.

Mr. Turtle: You're going to marry Jennifer tonight?

Lefty: No, you bloody misunderstanding fool! I'm going to ask her tonight! Mater wired me some more money, and I purchased the most darling engagement ring.

Lefty shows Mr. Turtle the ring.

Mr. Turtle: My word!

Lefty: 'Twas the most expensive ring in the shop. Although I think I could do better...

Mr. Turtle: By the by, who is this "mater" you keep writing to? The woman who sends you money?

Lefty: Why, my mother, of course, old bean!

Mr. Turtle: Yes, but--you don't have a mother.

Lefty: What the deuce are you talking about?

Mr. Turtle: Before you...er...changed...I never heard you mention a mother before. Even if such a woman existed, I seriously doubt she would send a crum-bum like Lefty a red cent!

Lefty: But I am Sir Ambrose--

Mr. Turtle: Yeah, yeah. Rot.

[Winslow Leach]

The next morning...

Lefty, wearing a spiffy brand new sharkskin suit, hurriedly ties his tie.

Lefty: Why didn't you bloody wake me? I told you last night I had to be up by seven to meet Jenny for breakfast!

Mr. Turtle: It must have slipped my mind. My brain isn't as large or fully-developed as yours.

Lefty: Yes. Correct. Now I must dash, my turtle friend, and propose to my lady love. Wish me luck, dear boy.

Mr. Turtle: Have you got the ring?

Lefty: Of course I have the ring, you silly ***! What kind of nincompoop do you take me for? Bah!

Lefty exits.

Beat.

Lefty re-enters, and picks up the ring, which he left behind.

Mr. Turtle: Forget something?

Lefty: Just for that, I shall not ask you to be my best man!

Lefty exits.

Beat.

Knock on door.

Mr. Turtle slooooooooowwwwwwwwly makes his way to the door, and opens it.

A messenger boy, Scooter, stands there.

Scooter: Wow, someone is here! I was about to slide this under the door.

Mr. Turtle: A missive for me, my boy?

Scooter: Are you Sir Ambrose Artichoke? This letter is addressed to him.

Mr. Turtle: Ugh. I'll see that he gets it.

Scooter hands Mr. Turtle the letter.

Mr. Turtle: Wait, wait, let me give you a tip: don't go out in the rain without an umbrella, wot? (chuckles)

Mr. Turtle shuts the door. After a moment or two, he rips open the letter and reads:

Dear "Sir Ambrose,"

Who are you? More importantly, I would like every penny I gave you paid back in full within a fortnight. How ever did you get my address anyway? I must admit, you had the wool over my eyes for several weeks, until my son--coincidentally *also* named Sir Ambrose Artichoke--returned home for holiday from Cambridge, and had no recollection of receiving monies from me...his mother. Ambrose had his heart on visiting the States, but instead spent his time tutoring a boy in his class who doesn't have the supreme intelligence of my son. I did not know this until he came home. I assumed he was somewhere in the U.S., constantly wiring me for money, which should have tipped me off, as Ambrose never asks me for anything. So my dear imposter, because I am a patient woman, I shall give you two weeks to pay back the rather hefty sum you "borrowed" from me, which I have thoughtfully wrote down as a bill, just in case it slipped your mind. If I do not receive said payment by the end of two weeks, I shall alert the authorities.

Yours,
I.M.N. Artichoke (Mrs.)

[Winslow Leach]

Lefty hops, skips and jumps down the street, joy in his step. He greets every passerby with a cheery "good morning."

He stands on the sidewalk, across the street from the restaurant where he is to meet Jenny. He is so happy, he doesn't wait for the "Walk" sign. He simply steps into the street, and...

Is PLOWED INTO by a psychedellically-colored bus...the Electric Mayhem bus, driven by Dr. Teeth.

The bus screeches to a halt, the doors open and Dr. Teeth steps out, followed by Janice and Zoot. Floyd remains on the bus, restraining an excited Animal.

Janice: Like, I told you you were going too fast!

Dr. Teeth: Ah wasn't! An' ah didn't even see da guy!

Lefty lies in the street, his eyes wide open, his tongue hanging out. His arms and legs are spread, as if trying to make a snow angel in the pavement.

Zoot: Oh man, I think I'm gonna be sick!

Zoot runs to the gutter and...yeah...

Dr. Teeth: Aw man, ah can't afford another violation on my record! This was mah last chance!

Janice: Is he dead?

Dr. Teeth: Naw. I think he jus' fell down.

By now a crowd has gathered around the scene. Jenny is also there, but she doesn't know what exactly happened.

Jenny (to George the janitor) What happened?

George: Some jerk got plowed by that bus, heh heh! Just walked out inta the street!

Jenny (sees Lefty) Sir Ambrose!

George: Whaja call me?

Jenny breaks through the crowd, and kneels by Lefty.

Dr. Teeth slowly backs away before Jenny could see him, and dashes back into the bus. He ducks behind one of the seats.

Jenny lightly slaps Lefty's face a few times.

Jenny: Sir Ambrose...Sir Ambrose...

Jenny gives Lefty mouth-to-mouth.

Zoot: I'm good...

Zoot sees Jenny giving Lefty mouth-to-mouth; he runs back to the gutter.

Lefty slowly comes to. Unfortunately for Jenny, it IS Lefty, NOT Sir Ambrose.

Lefty: I musta died an' gone ta Heaven!

Jenny: Are you okay?

Lefty: Sure, toots! I feel fine! C'mere an' gimme anudder kiss!

Jenny backs away in confusion.

Dr. Teeth's hand slowly rises from below the seat and lightly raps on the window, getting Janice's attention; she sees Dr. Teeth's hand motioning her to get on the bus. Janice drags Zoot with her as she boards.

Lefty (sits up and notices crowd) 'Ey! What are ya crum-bums lookin' at? Haven't ya ever seen a guy sittin' in da middle of da road before?

Lefty stands and brushes himself off; he stops when he notices the suit he's wearing.

Lefty: Whoa! Get a load a da fancy treads! Did I knock over Brooks Brothers er sometin'?

Jenny: Sir...Ambrose...? Sir Ambrose? (touches Lefty's arm) I'm talking to you.

Lefty: Ya were? My name is Lefty, but uh...youse kin call me whatever ya want, riiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Jenny: Oh no...

Lefty: What? Do I have b.o.?

Jenny: Oh...oh no...

Jenny disappears into the crowd.

Lefty: Wha? Wha'd I do? 'Ey, don't go! I don't even know yer name! Dat's okay...goils don't usually tell me dere names anyway, it's no big deal! Come back! Come--ah...I lost anudder one...(Lefty reaches into his pocket and takes out the ring; he does a quadruple-take) Am I dreamin' ? ! Foist an unknown stranger gives me a kiss fer no reason, now I find a rock as big as an ostrich egg in my pocket! Dis ting must be woith...five bucks at least!

Lefty notices the crowd still staring at him; he greedily stuffs the ring back into his pocket.

Lefty: Youse have seen nuttin'! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Mr. Turtle walks to Lefty.

Lefty: Mr. Toitle!

Mr. Turtle: Lefty?

Lefty: Who else?

Mr. Turtle: What happened?

Lefty: I dunno. I woke up, an' dis pretty young woman was kissin' me ere in da middle of da street! Go trew da crowd an' try ta find her!

Mr. Turtle: Forget her. There's another woman who's interested in you. In fact, she wrote you a letter.

Lefty: A woman wrote me a letter? Is she young? Pretty?

Mr. Turtle: I don't know if she's pretty...but I don't think she's all that young...

Lefty: Ah, who cares! You say she wrote ta me? Why? How? Do I know her?

Mr. Turtle: You don't know her...yet. But she knows you!

Lefty: Quit holdin' out on me, ya crum-bum! Give wit da letter!

Mr. Turtle: I left it home, as a sort of surprise.

Lefty: What's it say?

Mr. Turtle: You'll find out.

Lefty: Tell me!

Mr. Turtle: What? And ruin it for you? I wouldn't dream of it, old bean!

Lefty: Why youse--

Lefty picks up Mr. Turtle, and starts running down the street. He suddenly stops when he realizes he's running in the wrong direction.

Lefty: Why didn't ta tell me I was goin' in da--eeerrrr!

Lefty turns, and runs in the opposite direction.


THE END

Sorry...no refunds...:p