Gorgon Heap
09-20-2005, 04:36 PM
This one was so close to done I decided to just finish it.
Hackett was a comic actor known for his funny-sounding voice. He co-starred in "The Music Man" and provided the voice of Scuttle the seagull in Disney's "The Little Mermaid". He worked with the Muppets just once, providing the voice of Grandma Ethel's late husband Louie on "Jim Henson's Dinosaurs".
Submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Buddy Hackett!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: BUDDY HACKETT
STYLE: SEASON TWO (circa Madeline Kahn episode)
COLD OPENING: Buddy asks for Scooter’s opinion on his new (loud and tacky) suit. While he’s holding it up on the hanger, DogLion comes along and starts eating the suit, but spits it out and leaves in a huff.
OPENING THEME:
S & W: Miss Kitty (the purple monster) comes in having lassoed Statler & Waldorf.
MK: “Oh, no you don’t! You’re stayin’!”
GONZO: a long feather boa comes out of Gonzo's trumpet
OPENING NUMBER: “Splish Splash”- Floyd sings in the shower, accompanied by a parade of Muppets in his bathroom including the Electric Mayhem, birds, frogs, and creatures
Waldorf: "Eh, what do you think?"
Statler: "About time they cleaned up their act!"
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: there's a heavy snowfall outside, and Kermit is trying to make sure the snow is kept clear. The gang all draw straws to see who's going take the first shift for shoveling snow. Gonzo literally draws a picture of a straw.
SKETCH: Buddy & Fozzie play sailors who have to get rid of an alligator that’s nesting on deck.
Captain Link: “Men, we’ve got a situation on our hands.”
(Buddy & Fozzie instinctively look at their hands.)
Statler: "I remember when I served in the navy. I think I still have my old uniform somewhere."
Waldorf: "If you find it, I think you should sell it."
Statler: "Oh?"
Waldorf: "Yeah! Museums would pay top dollar for old Viking stuff! Heh heh heh!"
MUPPET LABS: Automatic Stamp Licker (it starts acting like a puppy and runs amok, licking everything in sight, including and especially Beaker).
BACKSTAGE: instead of shoveling, the Muppets have just been playing in the snow
Kermit: "Will you guys cut out that snowball fight?!"
(Kermit gets hit in the face by a snowball.)
Kermit: "You will note I do not sink to their level of immaturity and poor sportsmanship."
(Kermit gets hit by another snowball.)
Kermit: "That does it! YOU'RE ALL GOING DOWN!"
(Kermit runs, aggravated, out of the backstage door.)
AT THE DANCE- weather jokes
Boy: "I'm really upset with my mom right now. Instead of letting me spend my allowance, she's got me saving it for a rainy day."
Girl: "What's wrong with that?"
Boy: "I just found out we're in the middle of a draught."
(Red-haired man and pink-sweatered woman)
Man: "Boy, it seems that no matter where I go, I always get stuck in the rain! I'd almost swear that the rain must be following me around."
Woman: "Aren't you exaggerating just a little?"
(It starts raining- indoors, and only over them.)
Man: "Guess it's just my imagination."
UK SPOT: “Hello! Hello! Who’s Your Lady Friend?”- Kermit & Fozzie sing the British pub standard (in front of the blue backdrop from Steve Martin's balloon act) while Statler & Waldorf sing along from the box
SAM’S FABLES: “The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse”
Sam (after the cat attacks the mice): “It was then that the country mouse decided... (turns page)... to form a motorcycle gang with her cousin and drive the pussycats out of town. WHAT?!”
(Catgut runs away and the two mice follow, firing off little pop guns while riding on their little motorcycles.)
Waldorf: "Ah, that eagle should go someplace where he'd be appreciated."
Statler: "Like where?"
Waldorf: "Stuffed on a mantel!"
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Gonzo wants to do an act, but after he tells Kermit about it, Kermit is convinced that no audience would sit still to see it. Just then, Scooter rushes in from outside to inform them that the theater is snowed in, so with the audience unable to leave, Kermit lets Gonzo go on.
GONZO'S ACT: Gonzo whittles a statue of Millard Fillmore out of a corncob while doing a water ballet in a vat of pink lemonade.
Statler: "That does it, we should leave right now!"
Gonzo: "You can't, the theater is snowed in!"
(S & W look at each other for a moment, then off to the side, thinking.)
Waldorf: "Wanna go to the lobby?"
Statler: "We can annoy the popcorn vendor!"
Waldorf: "Or count the holes in the ceiling!"
(They rush off, as does the audience. The curtain closes on Gonzo's act, with appropriate ending music.)
SKETCH: Buddy is casually playing golf, in stereotypical tacky golf outfit, when he meets The Phantom of the Golf Course (Uncle Deadly).
UD: "I WILL DRIVE YOU ALL FROM THIS COURSE!"
Buddy: "You'll need an awfully big driver for that."
(Buddy shrugs off Uncle Deadly's warning, so Uncle Deadly takes delight in using his voodoo to mess with Buddy's golf game.)
SKETCH: A Whatnot man relaxes in his yard, watching the birds come over to the feeder and birdbath. More and more birds keep coming in, finally ending with the shocking entrance of one of the Gawky Birds.
BACKSTAGE: the heater has broken down, which is good news for Fozzie, Scooter and Gonzo because it means that they can take their snow fort INSIDE!
CLOSING NUMBER: “Leaning on a Lamppost”- Buddy sings with three Whatnot backup singers as he waits for his amour to arrive. When she does, it turns out to be Behemoth in drag. Buddy is surprised.
CURTAIN: Buddy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, and Uncle Deadly are all in winter dress and having an indoor snowball fight.
(S & W are in winter gear. Waldorf throws a snowball at the stage.)
Waldorf: "Ah, I'll give 'em credit just this once."
Statler: "What for?"
Waldorf: "For once they're providing us with live ammunition!"
(S & W laugh.)
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
Hackett was a comic actor known for his funny-sounding voice. He co-starred in "The Music Man" and provided the voice of Scuttle the seagull in Disney's "The Little Mermaid". He worked with the Muppets just once, providing the voice of Grandma Ethel's late husband Louie on "Jim Henson's Dinosaurs".
Submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Buddy Hackett!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: BUDDY HACKETT
STYLE: SEASON TWO (circa Madeline Kahn episode)
COLD OPENING: Buddy asks for Scooter’s opinion on his new (loud and tacky) suit. While he’s holding it up on the hanger, DogLion comes along and starts eating the suit, but spits it out and leaves in a huff.
OPENING THEME:
S & W: Miss Kitty (the purple monster) comes in having lassoed Statler & Waldorf.
MK: “Oh, no you don’t! You’re stayin’!”
GONZO: a long feather boa comes out of Gonzo's trumpet
OPENING NUMBER: “Splish Splash”- Floyd sings in the shower, accompanied by a parade of Muppets in his bathroom including the Electric Mayhem, birds, frogs, and creatures
Waldorf: "Eh, what do you think?"
Statler: "About time they cleaned up their act!"
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: there's a heavy snowfall outside, and Kermit is trying to make sure the snow is kept clear. The gang all draw straws to see who's going take the first shift for shoveling snow. Gonzo literally draws a picture of a straw.
SKETCH: Buddy & Fozzie play sailors who have to get rid of an alligator that’s nesting on deck.
Captain Link: “Men, we’ve got a situation on our hands.”
(Buddy & Fozzie instinctively look at their hands.)
Statler: "I remember when I served in the navy. I think I still have my old uniform somewhere."
Waldorf: "If you find it, I think you should sell it."
Statler: "Oh?"
Waldorf: "Yeah! Museums would pay top dollar for old Viking stuff! Heh heh heh!"
MUPPET LABS: Automatic Stamp Licker (it starts acting like a puppy and runs amok, licking everything in sight, including and especially Beaker).
BACKSTAGE: instead of shoveling, the Muppets have just been playing in the snow
Kermit: "Will you guys cut out that snowball fight?!"
(Kermit gets hit in the face by a snowball.)
Kermit: "You will note I do not sink to their level of immaturity and poor sportsmanship."
(Kermit gets hit by another snowball.)
Kermit: "That does it! YOU'RE ALL GOING DOWN!"
(Kermit runs, aggravated, out of the backstage door.)
AT THE DANCE- weather jokes
Boy: "I'm really upset with my mom right now. Instead of letting me spend my allowance, she's got me saving it for a rainy day."
Girl: "What's wrong with that?"
Boy: "I just found out we're in the middle of a draught."
(Red-haired man and pink-sweatered woman)
Man: "Boy, it seems that no matter where I go, I always get stuck in the rain! I'd almost swear that the rain must be following me around."
Woman: "Aren't you exaggerating just a little?"
(It starts raining- indoors, and only over them.)
Man: "Guess it's just my imagination."
UK SPOT: “Hello! Hello! Who’s Your Lady Friend?”- Kermit & Fozzie sing the British pub standard (in front of the blue backdrop from Steve Martin's balloon act) while Statler & Waldorf sing along from the box
SAM’S FABLES: “The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse”
Sam (after the cat attacks the mice): “It was then that the country mouse decided... (turns page)... to form a motorcycle gang with her cousin and drive the pussycats out of town. WHAT?!”
(Catgut runs away and the two mice follow, firing off little pop guns while riding on their little motorcycles.)
Waldorf: "Ah, that eagle should go someplace where he'd be appreciated."
Statler: "Like where?"
Waldorf: "Stuffed on a mantel!"
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Gonzo wants to do an act, but after he tells Kermit about it, Kermit is convinced that no audience would sit still to see it. Just then, Scooter rushes in from outside to inform them that the theater is snowed in, so with the audience unable to leave, Kermit lets Gonzo go on.
GONZO'S ACT: Gonzo whittles a statue of Millard Fillmore out of a corncob while doing a water ballet in a vat of pink lemonade.
Statler: "That does it, we should leave right now!"
Gonzo: "You can't, the theater is snowed in!"
(S & W look at each other for a moment, then off to the side, thinking.)
Waldorf: "Wanna go to the lobby?"
Statler: "We can annoy the popcorn vendor!"
Waldorf: "Or count the holes in the ceiling!"
(They rush off, as does the audience. The curtain closes on Gonzo's act, with appropriate ending music.)
SKETCH: Buddy is casually playing golf, in stereotypical tacky golf outfit, when he meets The Phantom of the Golf Course (Uncle Deadly).
UD: "I WILL DRIVE YOU ALL FROM THIS COURSE!"
Buddy: "You'll need an awfully big driver for that."
(Buddy shrugs off Uncle Deadly's warning, so Uncle Deadly takes delight in using his voodoo to mess with Buddy's golf game.)
SKETCH: A Whatnot man relaxes in his yard, watching the birds come over to the feeder and birdbath. More and more birds keep coming in, finally ending with the shocking entrance of one of the Gawky Birds.
BACKSTAGE: the heater has broken down, which is good news for Fozzie, Scooter and Gonzo because it means that they can take their snow fort INSIDE!
CLOSING NUMBER: “Leaning on a Lamppost”- Buddy sings with three Whatnot backup singers as he waits for his amour to arrive. When she does, it turns out to be Behemoth in drag. Buddy is surprised.
CURTAIN: Buddy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, and Uncle Deadly are all in winter dress and having an indoor snowball fight.
(S & W are in winter gear. Waldorf throws a snowball at the stage.)
Waldorf: "Ah, I'll give 'em credit just this once."
Statler: "What for?"
Waldorf: "For once they're providing us with live ammunition!"
(S & W laugh.)
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole